BILL KIRBY’S FAMILY APPEAL FOR MORE OPENNESS ON SUICIDE
TRALEE FAMILY URGES THOSE IN CRISIS TO SEEK LIFE-SAVING HELP AND SUPPORT
BILL Kirby’s tragic death on May 8, 2008 sent shockwaves through his native Tralee. The bubbly, vivacious, fun-loving publican, known and loved for his roguish wit and charm, had taken his own life at the age of just 63 – news of which left many utterly bewildered.
None more so than his devastated family, who saw absolutely no sign that anything was wrong and who still struggle every day to accept the loss of the man who was their world.
As his daughter Fiona and her husband Kevin Cotter prepare to host a fund raising evening in his beloved Brogue Inn on April 29 in aid of Pieta House, Fiona is anxious that people be reminded of the services that are available to them and that the subject of suicide be openly discussed.
Fiona and her two sisters found their father’s body on Rossbeigh beach the day after he was reported missing, having failed to return from a funeral. The family later learned that Bill never made it to the funeral, but instead – in what she described as a moment of madness – drove to the beach where he set his car alight before entering the water.
“We’ll never, ever know what went through his head but we’ve accepted that there was nothing we could have done,” Fiona said. “I truly believe it was a moment of madness because there were no signs whatsoever. It was utterly devastating because there was no indication, which meant we were helpless. It’s like something just snapped and it shocked us to the core of our being.”
Amazingly, Fiona described finding her father as a relief because it meant they could bring him home and give him the send off he deserved.
“That might sound crazy but it was so good that it was us who found him. I believe he was waiting for us and that God was looking down on us and helping us find him,” she said.
While Fiona has no qualms about discussing the circumstances of her father’s tragic death, she says too many people are afraid to discuss the issue – a trend that needs to change urgently. She believes that people are embarrassed and even ashamed to talk about suicide, which is very sad.
“There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but unfortunately that’s how many people feel and that’s why it’s not talked about enough,” Fiona said. “People need to talk about it and know that help and support is there and that’s why I’m talking about it now. I am so proud of my father and what happened doesn’t take from the love and adoration we all feel for him.”
What Fiona does take exception to, however, is the assumption that those who take their own lives are selfish.
“There is nothing selfish about taking your own life and trust me, that’s something I heard so many times,” she said. “You can’t blame him. You can’t blame anyone because they have obviously gone to a place of despair. Of course it hurts every day of the week and that hurt will never go away but you have to come to an acceptance of what has happened because if you don’t it will eat away at you.”
That said, Fiona admits she would be lying if she said there weren’t times when she gets upset and even angry at her father.
“It’s a natural reaction I think, especially on big occasions when you know he should be here,” she said. “Take when Stacks won the county championship and William [Bill’s son] won his medal. Dad would have loved that and would have been the heart and soul of that party.
“Then you have the simply things, like him not being here to see the next generation grow up. That’s hard to accept but what’s most important is that we remember my dad for the person he was, not for what happened. ”
One aspect of the entire tragedy which Fiona and her family found extremely upsetting, however, was the subsequent inquest that was reported in the news.
“While I have no problem discussing my father’s death, I have a huge objection to inquests of those who have taken their own lives being covered by the media,” she said. “That was absolutely horrendous on my family, knowing that the intimate details of my father’s death could be printed and that we had no say whatsoever. The family was struggling and to know every detail would be made public was infuriating. The system is so wrong and needs to be reviewed, especially in cases where people have taken their own lives.”
But while Fiona and her family know that they could not have saved their father as there were no warning signs, she is urging others in distress to seek help. Equally, she is hoping that the public at large will begin to talk more about the subject of suicide and lift the taboo that currently exists.
“There are so many wonderful services available, where people can talk to a third party in confidence, but we need to be more open and discuss the issue. Help is there from people who are non-judgemental so if I could say anything to those suffering it would be to talk it out and express their feelings with someone,” Fiona said.
“There was nothing we could have done for dad but for those in need of help, it’s important that they get it before another life is lost. It feels like there is an epidemic in this town, which is heart-breaking because the help and support is there but isn’t being utilised. ”
Well aware of the void that suicide creates, Fiona says she wouldn’t wish it on any other family.
“Every time I hear about another suicide it brings it all back and I feel exactly what that family is going through,” she said. “It’s the worst thing that can happen a family so the more people seek help the better. I miss my dad for his advice and for the fun and life that he brought around the place, so my advice is to talk it out and use what services are there.”
I’M SO PROUD OF MY FATHER AND WHAT HAPPENED DOESN’T TAKE AWAY FROM THE LOVE AND ADORATION WE ALLSTILL FEEL
FOR HIM.