The Kerryman (South Kerry Edition)
Mary and Joseph to see Senior Football this year
IN THIS WEEK’S COVID DIARIES, TADHG EVANS REFLECTS ON THE BRAND-NEW GAA CHAMPIONSHIP STRUCTURE – WHICH IS ACTUALLY OLD, VERY OLD.
APPARENTLY THERE’S A PSYCHIC IN KILDARE WITH A VERY MILD SUPERPOWER THAT CA N HELP FARMERS. IF YOU CONTACT HIM, HE’LL TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND YOUR MISSING ANIMAL
Wednesday, June 24
DEAR Diary – Last week, my diary took a break from frivolous information and instead provided a public service. Leo Varadkar had used a quote from 2004 film ‘Mean Girls’ during a speech, and I explained to readers what Mean Girls was. Top journalism.
To continue my diary’s new-found appreciation of useful information, I wish to inform the farming community of an important thing I found on Twitter today.
Every farmer has had an animal go missing from time to time, and sometimes the farmer won’t be able to find their livestock. But apparently there’s a psychic in Kildare with a very mild superpower; if you contact him, he’ll tell you if the missing animal is dead or alive, and where to find it.
“My uncle told me a long winded story about a new-born calf who disappeared,” the Twitter user providing the update explained. “The man was able to describe where to go but said it’ll still be hard to find it.”
Apparently the calf was found alive, but stuck under a bush in County Sligo, many miles from the psychic’s home in Kildare.
I don’t have contact details for the psychic, but Google him or ask around and I’m sure you’ll find him if you ever need him.
Top journalism.
Thursday, June 25
DEAR Diary – I’m 27, so I’ve never seen Liverpool win the league. Many of our readers will find that staggering given that the Reds used to win it every other year in the ‘70s and ‘80s.
But the wait is over; Chelsea beat Manchester City, the only team which had a mathematical chance of overtaking Liverpool.
I’m not a fan, but once my beloved-but-bad Newcastle were out of title contention 30 minutes into the season, I’ve wanted Liverpool to win. They’re my favourite ‘big’ club.
I spent the whole lock-down waiting for sport to come back, but now that it’s back, my annoying pre-lockdown sport-watching habits are back too. I’ve waited all day for Chelsea-v-City, the ref blows for kick-off – and out comes my phone. I spend the next two hours reading comments about the match instead of watching it.
I grew up glued to televised sport, yet this is what my old favourite pastime has been reduced to. Phones are irresistible and have killed my ability to digest a game – unless I’m actually
AT the match.
As the ref blows full time, I bask in the glory of Liverpool’s famine ending – by staring at my cracked phone screen, reading comments made by people congratulating Liverpool.
God I’m lonely.
Friday, June 26
DEAR Diary – It’s confirmed. Mary and Joseph will catch some senior football this year. The Crib will be up for the All-Ireland final on December 19.
I started watching football in 2000, which was the last year of the old-style football championship. If you lost a game, you were gone. The All-Ireland series then consisted of three games: two semi-finals and a final, contested between the provincial champions.
Now it’s back for one year only. COVID has finally done some good.
The old system had its faults, but it worked for 113 years and was far better than the interminable, pointless ‘Super Eights’ – or ‘Dublin and Friends’, as I call it.
Anyone who follows me online will know where I’ve long felt the inter-county game is heading, if it’s not already there: a Dublin monopoly. Kerry has a nice team coming together, but while we came much closer last year than I thought we could, I’m still not hopeful of Dublin’s dominance ending for anything more than a year at a time here and there.
But maybe this year’s championship structure will level the field enough to catch them out. They’ll waltz through Leinster, and maybe they’ll be rusty ahead of facing a team that’s actually good. And maybe they’ll lose?
That’s a lot of maybes, actually.
The weekend
DEAR Diary – Catherine Martin will be Minister for Everything. I heard that’s what the Department’s official title will be going forward, but I can’t swear to that right now. I’m usually right, though.
Whenever we get a new cabinet, most people want to know who’ll get Finance, Justice, that kind of thing. I check for Sport – because I love sport – and the Gaeltacht ministries because I live in the Gaeltacht and want to know who’ll be looking after me.
Deputy Martin’s getting both, along with Media, Tourism, Art, Culture, and a few other things I’ve probably forgotten. It’s a bit like when
Jennifer Maguire presented everything bar SixOne on RTÉ a few years back.
I wish Ms Martin well, but as a Gaeltacht man, I’m not especially hopeful for her given that we’ve been lumped in with the Department of Everything. I spent the first 18 years of my life not caring about the future of Irish, but now that I’ve grown a brain-like organ – which might, in fact, be a brain after all – I understand how valuable it is and how lucky I am to live in one of the few regions with two languages.
Nobody has succeeded in turning the tide in Gaeilge’s favour – and I fear that Deputy Martin won’t have the time to answer a question that needs some serious cracking.