Himself is making a better go of this ‘going healthy’ tick than me...I hate him

HIMSELF is taking this health kick very seriously. He is determined to do better than me which, let’s be frank, wouldn’t be hard. This does not surprise me as he is the most competitive person I know. He once played Trivial Pursuit with The Eldest for four hours because he wouldn’t just let him win!

He played tennis five times this week and went for a walk every night. He has eaten no crap and hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol. I am allergic to him! By Wednesday night I was hanging for a crisp sambo so to distract myself I decided to have a gin and tonic instead. Feck Dry January!

‘I thought you were doing Dry January?’ he said disapprovingly. ‘Well, come on. We both know that was never going to happen. I think lasting three days was good going!’

I enjoyed my gin and tonic so much I decided to have another one. ‘Shiny glass?’ I said, holding out my empty. ‘You’re having another??’ he asked. I presumed it was a rhetorical question.

And it worked. The G&T did take my mind off the Tayto sambo but moved it onto Pringles instead, resulting in me eating half a tub. The next morning I got up and weighed myself. To my dismay I weighed exactly the same as the week before, even though I’d gone three days without alcohol and crisp sandwiches.

I decided the scales wasn’t working properly so I threw it out. I hotfooted it up to Tesco and paid €32 for a brand new one.

As I stood up on it I was convinced I’d have lost at least four pounds. But I still weighed the same! I tried jumping on it really quickly and jumping off again. I even took my jewellery off! No joy.

Himself meanwhile has lost three pounds. I hate him! He’s prancing around the house like Mr Motivator, saying it’s all about willpower. ‘It’s mind over matter. That’s all it is. You have to say to yourself ‘No. I don’t want that Magnum.’

But I feckin do want the Magnum that’s the problem! And the Tayto sambo...and the G&T. I want all of it and I want it now!! Willpower is overrated and life is too short. My excuses are coming fast and furious!

In a bid to cheer myself up I’ve decided to try and sabotage his success by adding extra butter and cream to his spuds when he’s not looking! I’m giving him full fat milk when he thinks he’s drinking low fat and I’ve been frying his chicken breasts in butter. That should tip the scales in my favour this week!

I know. I’m a bad person.

‘SHINY GLASS?’ I SAID, HOLDING OUT MY EMPTY. ‘YOU’RE HAVING ANOTHER?’ HE ASKED. I PRESUMED IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION