This is an order: never cycle without donning a helmet
‘BRUSH your teeth.’ ‘Remember your lunch.’ ‘Not everything you read on the internet is true.’ ‘Don’t eat between meals.’ ‘Cramming is no use. Consistent study is the only way.’ Yes, we parents are not shy about giving advice. If they would only listen to us, then our sons and daughters might avoid a host of unpleasant or damaging experiences. If only they would listen.
Let’s be honest, our own growing up was occasionally dotted with sugary snacks and poor dental hygiene. There were instances in our past of frantic last minute revision whenever examinations came around. At least we oldies did not have to contend with the internet at a formative age but the knack of securing reliable knowledge often escaped us too, just as it so frequently does the youth of today.
No matter what our own fathers and mothers counselled, some of us may perhaps have smoked tobacco or maybe consorted with boy/girlfriends who did quite meet with full approval at home. Nevertheless we now lay down the law in matters of health and morality as best we can – in the sometimes scary knowledge that occasionally the law will be flouted and there is not a great deal we can do about it.
There is scarcely a family in the land, for instance, where the children are not given the stern party line about the perils of drug abuse. Yet someone must be taking all those wicked substances or there would be no drug barons or drug therapists or drug prosecutions. Fingers crossed that it will not be our little johnny or jenny who ends up on skid row or hauled up before the courts to face charges under the Mis-Use of Drugs Act.
I took it upon myself recently to bring young Eldrick one by one through what I like to think of as the Five Commandments of responsible alcohol consumption.
Commandment One: Never drink to get drunk. ‘Of course not, Da.’
Commandment Two: Never take a drink before six, make that eight, o’clock in the evening. ‘Of course not, Da.’
Commandment Three: Never play drinking games. Fat frogs are overweight amphibians not entertainment. ‘That’s right, Da.’ Commandment Four: Never mix grape and grain. ‘If you say so, Da.’ Commandment Five: Never drink cocktails. ‘Of course not, Da.’ Fast approaching the age when he will be permitted full legal access to licensed premises, Eldrick had the good grace not to appear amused while the doting parent outlined these helpful precepts. The doting parent, meanwhile, was left with the feeling that he had at least done his duty.
If drugs and alcohol are high on the worry list for parents then S.E.X. must occupy the top spot. So I took the precaution some time ago of making it clear to young Persephone that I shall be more than happy to vet any young man who makes so bold as to attempt to kiss her. To date she has referred no lad to me for interrogation but my door remains open…
I went for a cycle the other day. Hermione insisted that I don one of those bothersome helmet yokes, those shiny head-pieces the French call casques. Despite this ill-fitting inconvenience with its bothersome straps, it was a lovely afternoon for some exercise. Arriving back in Our Town flushed with the exhilaration of healthy exercise, I free-wheeled merrily downhill towardsthe finish line. Then without warning the wheels went from under me and I found myself kissing tarmac, thrown from the bike and deposited in a sorry heap on the roadway.
Helpful passers-by – to whom I am forever grateful - stopped to offer first aid. Gardaí arrived to direct traffic around the injured party. Concussion protocols were observed by a passing nurse. Next stop A&E for swabbing and jabbing. Only afterwards it became clear that I had tumbled from the bike head first. The helmet above my right eyebrow was in flitters. Realisation dawned that, without the horrible headgear, it might have been more a question of caskets than casques, or maybe life support rather than a few scratches and the makings of a black eye.
So this is not advice, kids. This is an order. Never cycle without the helmet. Never.