Does Colin Firth pluck his eyebrows? (And other issues never tackled)
ATTENDING the latest Bridget Jones film may be perceived as putting myself in touch with my feminine side. Hermione, romantic culture vulture that she is, persuaded me a few weeks ago that the movie would make for a good evening out for two. We gobbled our evening meal and left the children to their homework, departing with dire words of warning not to switch on the television or indulge in the internet.
Of course, there was no way that Eldrick and young Persephone could be prevented from lapsing into broadband. The notion that they might choose to spend the hours of our absence from the Manor immersed in study or reading improving literature was mere fancy. Short of ripping out the fuse-box and lining the walls of the house with lead, our decrees were beyond any enforcement. Shucks.
Our jalopy pulled up at the polyplex slightly later than intended and we had missed the adverts by the time we reached the last two available seats. The place was packed, absolutely jammers, with all present happy to let the humour of ‘Bridget Jones’s Baby’ entertain. The auditorium heaved with laughter from start to finish and ribs had been well and truly tickled by the time the credits started to roll. Only when the lights came on I realised I was one of just three men in a room with hundreds of women.
I have been a follower of BJ since the early days when she was no more than a newspaper column (pretty much low life, you will no doubt agree). I have enjoyed the books and followed our heroine on the big screen down fireman’s poles or into the horrors of a Thai prison, wherever the wacky story lines have taken her. But only then it dawned that the overwhelming majority of BJ fans are of the female gender - unlike myself.
A similarly lopsided audience imbalance was again evident when we returned to movieland a few days ago.Curiosity stirred by the record number of Oscar nominations for the production, our choice was ‘La La Land’. Young Persephone was an eager member of the travelling party, though she admitted knowing none of the songs. Her brother Eldrick made it clear he would rather poke chopsticks into eyes still smarting from ‘Les Miserables’, an experience which left him allergic to movie musicals.
On this occasion, I was on the lookout to see whether ‘La La’ appealed to the same segment of the movie going public as the bould ‘Bridget’. The conclusion was that, yes, ‘La La’ is for ladies more than for gents, with just ten men spotted at the showing we attended. That number was fell to nine just a few minutes into the screening as one couple left, with mister very much leading missus on the way to the exit.
The nine of us lads who stayed to the end along with all the demoiselles were treated to an over-blown mish-mash of a love story that was neither full-scale musical nor genuine romance. Persephone – young but perceptive beyond her years – loved it every bit as much as her father was left ho-humming. She reckoned the promoters had done their best to drum up the fellas by giving Ryan Gosling top billing ahead of co-star Emma Stone though the plot lay more with her. It may well be that men in general really do prefer stories about other men, prompting most of them to avoid ‘Bridget Jones’. And chaps typically prefer tales in which there is no chance that the leads will suddenly break into a fandango or foxtrot. On the evidence of ‘La La Land’, the chaps are probably right.
My big problem with all of this is that there is no one for me to talk to. Stumping up the price of a cinema ticket does not gain me automatic entry to those gossipy, girlie coffee and cake circles where romcoms and musicals are debated. One whiff of testosterone and they close ranks or clam up, leaving the male BJ aficionado nobody to trade giggles with about the hilarious scene where Bridget is carried into hospital.
Similarly, I am left to ponder alone whether yer man Ryan Gosling can really plays jazz piano or does he have an ivory tinkling body double. Sadly, it may be best to wait for the next Bruce Willis or Daniel Craig spectacular before darkening the door of the cinema again.