I am trying everything to get a good night’s sleep, despite Himself snoring

I’VE been having terrible trouble sleeping lately.

I go to bed exhausted only to develop a new lease of life as soon as I switch the light off.

My mind starts working over time and I start remembering things I should have done, make mental notes of stuff I need to sort out and have hypothetical arguments with everyone I’ve ever wanted to fall out with but didn’t.

My father in law informed me that insomnia was the sign of a guilty conscience. I spend another night awake, worrying about what I have to feel guilty about.

Somebody else suggests it’s my age. I refute this allegation strenuously although I do recall being able to sleep for at least 12 hours solid in my twenties so maybe they have a point.

I then decide that the bedroom needs to be Feng Shui-ed and spend an entire afternoon moving all the furniture around only to move it back again because it doesnt feel right.

‘Maybe it’s the telly,’ I suggest to Himself. ‘Maybe we should get rid of the telly out of the bedroom. All the experts say that you shouldn’t have a telly in the bedroom.’ He looks horrified.

‘You can’t be serious? Are you losing the plot completely? You can’t get rid of the telly from the bedroom, what will we do at night?’

Now I know I could offer some alternative nocturnal activities at this point but to be honest I don’t want to encourage him. Besides he’d be far more upset over me getting rid of the telly than he would over me withdrawing conjugal rights.

In return for me promising not to confiscate the tv, he says he’ll stay awake to keep me company but promptly falls asleep 20 minutes later.

There is nothing more annoying than someone snoring beside you when you can’t sleep.I hit him a dig and he stops but then I feel lonely so I start waving my hand in front of his face to see if he’s awake. I put my face right up to his to see if he’s breathing and suddenly he opens his eyes. We both scream. ‘Jesus! You lunatic! What are you doing??’

‘I wanted to see if you were awake,’ I tell him. ‘Well I bloody am now!’ He hisses. ‘I can’t sleep and you were supposed to stay awake to keep me company’ I complain.

His eyes are already beginning to shut. ‘Ssssh shhhh ........... will I turn the telly on for you?’

At this stage I’d try anything. He finds a Friends re-run for me, turns on his side and is snoring within seconds. I fall asleep at some point and wake up a few hours later to Ross shouting at Rachel–’ We were on a break!’

Maybe I’ll hang onto the telly for another while. What do the experts know anyway?!

I HIT HIM A DIG AND HE STOPS SNORING, BUT THEN I FEEL LONELY SO I START WAVING MY HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE TO SEE IF HE’S AWAKE