‘I may always be this victim, but I am also a survivor’
Victim Impact Statement
MY name is Angela Roche, I am a 39-year-old victim of rape and sexual assault. Understanding the ways in which this abuse has damaged my life, destroyed by childhood, derailed my adolescence and haunted my adulthood, has been a long process, that just continues.
Over the past 30-plus years I have suffered, because of Ken McDonald’s decisions and what he did to me when I was a little girl. I felt terrorised in my childhood bedrooms, in ways I cannot describe, my words would do no justice to the devastation it caused. My family life, my relationships, my education and my career have all suffered immensely as a result.
At 7 years of age, this began when I was too young to understand what was happening to me.
It destroyed my childhood, robbing me of a healthy relationship with my family, clouding my teenage years and early adulthood with rage, fear, shame, confusion and a feeling that my body was not my own.
My sense of self and self-worth was taken from me, something that every single person needs to grow up being healthy, happy and productive. This left me feeling that my life was worthless and that I had no place in this world. A feeling that grows and is embedded in me. I have spent many years consciously trying to rid my mind of memories without success. They are vivid, the nightmares and images that haunt me.
They will never leave, I will have to endure this for the rest of my life.
My earliest memories in life are of being raped. My earliest memories in life are of being terrified, hiding and learning to be invisible. Praying I could disappear.
Growing up in a house of 10 people, I was raised to do what I was told, follow the adults, do my chores and not to complain or tell tales.
I was raised in a home where there was disciplinary action for telling stories and I was terribly afraid of being punished.
The fear of punishment, the knowing that something was not right, and the feeling of shame was a dreadful concoction. I often felt disoriented and overwhelmed.
As a teenager I lived in a constant state of confusion, fear and panic. I felt hunted, he trespassed in my entire childhood. My grades in school suffered, I was unable to concentrate, study or pay attention for a full class. I was sent to see a councillor in the school, I was anxious and distracted. My education suffered and this was reflected in my exam results. Impacting my options in further education and in life. As a result, my life was that of living a difficult existence in secondary school and afterwards.
Living with post-traumatic stress disorder has impacted my everyday life. The abuse I suffered has caused this, I have insomnia, nightmares, heightened anxiety, and depression.
Being a victim of sexual assault and rape has impacted my family life. At stages in my life my family structure had fallen apart and my relationship with my parents and siblings had become distant. I moved from my home town when I was in my late teens, further isolated from my home and family. In my 20s I moved to the West of Ireland, resulting in over 5 years of disconnection from my family.
I tried to settle down, but I was haunted and struggled with PTSD. Living in fear of visiting my home town of Wexford, fear of Ken McDonald and my sister.
Knowing I could never return to a life in my home town of Wexford. Maintain relationships there or have a normal family life.
Being a victim of sexual assault and rape has impacted my ability to lead an existence and made me run away from every home I have ever tried to make.
I have lost one of my sisters, and a niece and nephew, who I cared for dearly. My relationship with my brothers was fractured beyond repair, and a distance grew within my family.
Growing up, I felt abandoned and unprotected by those who had the power to do something but did nothing. I grew up believing that I was responsible for the actions of a grown man, who raped and assaulted me, but I am not, I did not make him decide to take opportunities when I was a vulnerable little girl. These are the decision and actions of him alone.
Being a victim of sexual assault and rape has impacted my ability to build and maintain lasting relationships. Not being able to trust people and isolating myself has been detrimental to my friendships, relationships and family. I isolate myself and always feel anxious. Depression has, at points in my life, crippled me, making it impossible to even get out of bed or leave the house for days. It is impacting my ability to maintain a normal existence.
It has been a necessity to have a mask of sorts, the “I’m fine” face I wear to get through days and weeks on end. I feel like I lead a double life, with my coat of armour that people see, but on the inside, I am that scared little girl, desperate, terrified, alone and broken.
Being a victim of sexual assault and rape has impacted my ability to start a family, I am so terrified that I would not be able to protect my own children when I wasn’t able to be protected myself.
Being a victim of sexual assault and rape has caused me to fantasise about ending my life, often. It has ravaged my life in the past 3 years specifically, from that horrible day in November 2016, spending days giving a statement to Guards, to giving testimony at trial nearly 3 years later.
Taking months off from work, affecting my ability to maintain my life, my job, my relationships and my home.
Being a victim of rape and sexual assault finally made me leave my country, but even moving to the other side of the world was not far enough. The pain, anxiety and isolation came with me. I struggle every single day, to get out of bed, to go to work, to speak to people, to live my life. What was done to me will never be undone, it will always have happened, it will always be on my skin and in my mind.
Being a victim took away my freedom to live a happy existence. I may always be this victim, but I am also a survivor. I am making this statement to explain how my life has been suffocated by the abuse I experienced, my childhood destroyed and stolen from me, my family torn from me.
I sought accountability for what happened to me over years of my childhood and to do what ever it is I can to prevent it happening again. Nothing can erase what Ken McDonald did to me, but maybe that action I have taken can prevent re-occurrence.
The Wexford Rape Crisis Centre is based in Clifford Street in Wexford town and can be contacted on the confidential free phone number 1800 330033
MY EARLIEST MEMORIES IN LIFE ARE OF BEING RAPED. MY EARLIEST MEMORIES IN LIFE ARE OF BEING TERRIFIED, HIDING AND LEARNING TO BE INVISIBLE. PRAYING I COULD DISAPPEAR.