Beans, quinoa and goji berries will be the rule at Medders Manor from here on
ICAN only conclude that Hermione, dearest and most delectable, has been spending too long in the waiting room at the dental surgery. The time she passed in the surgery itself was well spent, restoring the gleam and the self-confidence to the sweet smile which is never far from my wife’s lips. However, the magazines she sampled while preparing to submit to the dentist’s drill appear to have affected her usually sound sense of judgement.
Hermione would normally not be bothered with the star gazing and scandal-mongering of the women’s mags. But the titbits and tittle-tattle make for easy and distracting reading whenever there is a filling due to be attended to.
Arriving home late the other evening, I was greeted with the customary peck on the cheek, with a hug by way of a bonus, and an invitation to sit down at the table. A solitary place had been set for dinner as the other members of the family had all tucked in earlier. The children, I was told, had gone out to bring the dog for his evening walk, a chore they normally leave to their father. Fair play to them, I thought as I sipped on a glass of water, unfolded a napkin, and waited to be served.
Hermione – a vision of loveliness in her gingham apron - came bearing a bowl of bean salad and then sat down to watch me eat this unexpected treat. And it genuinely was a treat, concocted from three different varieties of bean, mixed with crunchy pieces of red pepper and thinly sliced lettuce all glistening from a subtle sheen of olive oil dressing. I wiped my lips. I took a sip more of the water. I set down the glass and I turned to my beloved. Medders: ‘ That was lovely, honey bun. Now what’s for dinner?’ Hermione: ‘Glad you liked it, sugar plum, that was dinner.’ Medders: ‘Hold on. Where’s the meat? Where are the potatoes?’ Hermione: ‘We eat too much meat and far too many potatoes.’ Medders: ‘I am sorry, treasure, man cannot live by beans alone.’ Hermione: ‘But, schmoozy wooz, Gwenyth says man can indeed live on beans – and something called quinoa. And goji berries ’ Medders: ‘Gwenyth. Gwenyth who?’ Hermione: ‘Gwenyth Paltrow, of course. The movie star. I thought you liked Gwenyth Paltrow.’ Medders: ‘I said once that she has a very slender neck.’ Hermione: ‘ There, honey, I knew you liked her. That is Gwenyth’s special bean salad recipe.’
Medders: ‘Like her or not, tiddleums, I am not sure I want her as my menu adviser. I’ll have some bread.’ Hermione: ‘Bread? Bread is full of carbs -like the potatoes.’ Medders: ‘What’s wrong with carbs? I’d settle for an apple.’ Hermione: ‘Apples are full of sugar – very bad for the teeth.’ Medders: ‘Is there a slice of your nice brack left? Hermione: ‘Certainly not. You scoffed the last of it yesterday and I have no intention of baking any more. Ever.’
In vain for me to argue that the cream of Hollywood has no more idea of how to feed the world than I have of how to assemble a nuclear bomb. Yet while I still await the call from Kim Jong-Un to come to Korea as a consultant on his missile programme, the dietary headlines set by Gwenyth – not to mention Jennifer and Nicole – are being treated as holy writ.
No meat – too cruel to the animals. No pasta – a victim of the war on carbohydrates. No ice-cream – full of fat and chemicals. No beer – far too highly processed.
I suggested that such diktats are ludicrous and that studies have shown the people who live longest are not those who abide by the culinary rules set out by unqualified film actors. There are plenty of 100 year olds trotting around Iceland on rations of seal blubber and rollmop herring. Meanwhile, their sprightly Italian counterparts shin up and down the Apennine subsisting on spaghetti and red wine. Hermione was not for turning, insisting that quinoa and goji berries will be the rule from here on.
I washed my bowl and declared my intention to take a stroll while she busied herself soaking the morrow’s ration of beans. Then I headed for town at a brisk pace, arriving at the chipper to discover our dog there, tied outside to a lamppost .