An ‘alien’ takes a lookat Wicklow DAVID MEDCALF
REPORTER ASSUMES THE GUISE OF A FRIENDLY SPACE INVADER WHO IS CONSIDERING A MOVE TO WICKLOW. HE FINDS HIMSELF WELL BRIEFED ON THE TOWN AS HE HAS BEEN READING THE COMPREHENSIVE WICKLOWTOWN.IE WEBSITE.
LET me introduce myself. My name is Knerly (the K is not silent, by the way) and I am an alien. I had a conversation recently with my pal Pherly (the P is pronounced as a P, of course) the other day. In the course of our chat, I mentioned that I was considering re-relocating, it being so blessed cold on Neptune.
Pherly remarked that, as Earth is heating up nicely these days, a base there might meet my requirements. And she was good enough to introduce me to the world wide web, assuring me that this is not the sort of web which causes a tangle. Rather, it may be used as a kaleidoscopic window into the state of what some call the Blue Planet.
She also advised me to avoid the blue bits of this Blue Planet when making my selection as I surely do not have a long enough snorkel. Somewhere not too near the Poles, which are every bit as chilly as Neptune, and not too near the middle either, she suggested might be nice.
So now I have begun exploring the welcoming wonders of Wicklow Town, which has its very own slot (or site as it is known) on this world wide web. Yes, since last year, https://wicklowtown.ie/ has been promoting the town as a good place to visit, to do business and maybe to reside.
Page after page after page of information is provided, complete with maps and relevant links, giving a new dimension to the word ‘comprehensive’. It even offers to provide a regular newsletter, though I have decided not to subscribe as the fibre broadband service has yet to reach the outer rings of the solar system.
The simple exercise of logging on to wicklowtown.ie is a bracing experience as the images which pop up at the top of the ‘homepage’ (I am picking up the lingo) are very exciting.
The home page experience starts with a static image showing the town, with Saint Patrick’s church and the tennis courts prominent. Then the ‘still’ photo makes way for moving drone shots, perhaps intended to indicate the best flight-path whenever I make way towards land aboard the Knerly-mobile.
At the bottom, away from such exhilarating fare, the page gives a list of all the great and good who have endorsed wicklowtown.ie. These numerous supporters and sponsors range from the Government of Ireland, no less, to a local oil company. In amongst the logos of all these site backers is one that looks just like a rugby ball but it turns out to represent an organisation called LEADER.
First things first, I log on to be told that ‘Wicklow’s Railway Station can be found on Station Road’. No surprise there. It seems strange that there is such eagerness to tell me how to get out of the town, if not by train or car then by bus.
Wicklow Town is served by the number 133 bus line, not to mention Wexford Bus and the Local Link Service between Wicklow and Glendalough.
There is a sense of some tension perhaps between Wicklow and what is referred to as ‘the capital city of Dublin’. This Dublin town is described as ‘close neighbours... accessible by the M50 and N11 main roads moving Southwards’. Yet it seems that Wicklow Town likes sometimes to pretend that the close neighbours are not quite
IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE ME A PRESENT, BY THE WAY, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO RECEIVE A WICKLOW POLO TEA-POT, PRICED AT €28.93
so overwhelmingly close and forever drawing its inhabitants Northwards...
Let’s click on the ‘Explore Wicklow town’ tab and then move on to ‘Where to Stay’ – which seems like a good place to go digging. I learn that ‘Wicklow Town is famous for a level of hospitality unlike anywhere else on the Emerald Isle’. Wow! I just hope that this attitude applies to aliens.
Strange to report, the hotels serving this bastion of hospitality are more likely to be out of town than in town. Indeed, Ashford (Chester Beatty’s, the Bel-Air Hotel) has more hotels than Wicklow Town according to the list on the website.
Similarly, Rathnew’s Tinnakilly House and Hunter’s Hotel (‘previously voted amongst Ireland’s top 10 beautiful hotels’) are also included on the list of five. Which leaves the Bridge Tavern (‘steeped in history, great food, and superior craic’) as the one among five which is actually inside the immediate urban boundary. However, the balance is the other way around when it comes to bed-and-breakfast accommodation, with nine B&Bs listed in town, while only five are further out.
Exploring wicklowtown.ie provides an insight into provincial Ireland. Take food, for example. The line-up of menus, for instance, includes two Indian restaurants and one Italian. Is this an indicator of a cosmopolitan outlook or are the natives simply fed up with the local fare?
The choice of ‘takeaways’ suggests that this is an urbation where the earthlings crave their melted cheese to the point of obsession. At least four of these takeaways put a strong emphasis on serving pizza.
The website boasts that practically anything may be purchased in the town, with a choice of 91 retail establishments on their list. Presumably, it is reasonable to suggest that they reflect the interests of the citizens – of whom there are around 10,000.
They require just one optician. There is just the one toy shop on the list and also one pet shop only. Two bookshops provide intellectual stimulation, while two sports shops encourage physical recreation.
Instead, the emphasis, as reflected in the retail profile, is rather on looking good and living well. Fifteen of the 91 shops provide food and/or drink, ranging from cosy off-licences to supermarkets run by multinational chains. But the biggest category of the lot is haircare and beauty, with 17 barbers/hairdressers/beauty therapists.
I look forward to seeing so much beauty in the flesh, though I am in no immediate rush to experience such delights. The indications are that something strange – called a ‘pandemic’ – is inhibiting the free flow of commerce. Many shopkeepers and service providers insist that they are open for business, but the site shows that they may not roll out the red carpet for all callers at the moment.
‘We’re operating online,’ writes one. ‘On call for car repairs in emergencies for frontline staff,’ is the limited brief of another. Similarly: ‘Only catering for blocked drains and chimneys which are deemed unsafe or blocked...’ Others say ‘Open for online business as all staff working remotely’ or ‘open for emergency calls only’. The mysterious Covid is apparently to blame.
Is Wicklow Town typical? I really cannot say, because websites such as wicklowtown.ie are not to be found for every centre of population. More’s the pity. Everything from education to eateries, from religion (including the intriguingly named Banner of Love Church) to the annual regatta is covered in the maze in information that is wicklowtown.ie – all under the one umbrella, illustrated and GPS’ed.
You want beaches? They have seven beaches. You want Wicklow’s answer to Dingle’s Fungie? They have Sammy the Seal. You want to know when the building of Wicklow Gaol commenced? They have historian John Finlay to confirm 1702.
Or perhaps you want law. They have a roll call of eight firms of solicitors – two of the eight with Haughton in the title and three of the eight with addresses in Wentworth Place. If eight teams of lawyers seems a high number for a town of 10,000, then note there are 10 auctioneers listed. But there are only five firms of accountants.
The exhaustive round-up of around 40 local sporting organisations confirms that there is a polo club near town, presented here with a link to their own website. If anyone wants to give me a present, by the way, I would be delighted to receive a Wicklow Polo tea-pot, priced at €28.93.
Other sports mentioned include athletics, basketball (with the Gators) bingo, bridge, chess, fat biking, gymnastics, hockey, karate, rowing, rugby, sea angling, soccer and surfing. I can hardly wait to find out at first-hand what happens at the Wicklow Meeples Board Gaming Club, not to mention trying my tentacles at something called ‘gaa’.
It seems that golf is somehow sacred in the world of sport, as golf comes in under a completely separate heading, with a list of 10 courses.
Another obsession is with parking: ‘Every effort has been made to nurture a welcoming atmosphere in Wicklow Town, and that outstretched hand has come to include visitor-friendly parking rates’ with the added attraction of the ‘15 minutes’ grace’ policy. So, the decision is made. Whenever it is time for me to pay my first visit in person to Wicklow Town, it shall be a Sunday because the website informs me parking is completely free all over the town on Sundays. Nice to know that.