Doing what comes naturally - the findings of fresh research
LDRICK, I want you to do something for me.’
‘It’s okay. I’ve already put away the paper. Ma will never know you wasted half the morning at the sudoko – unless I tell her, of course.’
‘It wasn’t half the morning – more like 45 minutes actually. And if you inform your mother about my innocent pastime, then you will find that the keys of the jalopy have disappeared from your grasp for the remainder of the summer.’
‘That’s a bit extreme, Da. Anyway, your little secret is safe with me. So, how exactly can I assist?’
‘I hoped you would help in carrying out some research.’ ‘Ooh, research! Isn’t that what Google is for?’
‘Not every field of human thought is amenable to exploration by search engine, dear boy. My research is of a more original conception and therefore not to be pursued by googling.’
‘Will this original research of yours require any physical exercise on my part? If so, I might have to change my shirt.’
‘No, nothing like that, rest assured. No running, no lifting and no exertions. All you have to do is answer my questions.’
‘Well, where’s your clipboard then, Da? Surely real researchers who ask questions need a clipboard.’
‘You have a point there, I suppose, but this little session of ours is more in the nature of preliminary research. The clipboard will come later, when I have refined the methodology.’
‘Wow, methodology! Sounds important. Should I stand up or sit down while you are refining your methodology on me?’
‘Sitting’s probably best. That armchair will do. Just plump up the cushions and make yourself comfortable.’
‘Like this?’
‘Like that is fine, I suppose. No need to sit quite so bolt upright.’ ‘Like this then?’
‘Like that is ideal. The perfect sprawl. And you may close your eyes, son, if it makes you feel any more comfortable. I want you to field my questions with an uncluttered mind.’
‘Eyes closed so. Mind a blank canvas. Your guinea pig awaits. Fire away. Question number one, please.’
‘Come to think of it, there is only one question for the moment, though I reserve the right to ask a few supplementaries.’ ‘Sounds reasonable, Da. I am all ears.’
‘And come to think of it a bit further, this is not actually a question at all, more of a request for you to tap into whatever knowledge you have learned during your score of years on this planet.’ ‘Whatever. Let’s get going.’
‘Okay. I want you, with your eyes closed and your uncluttered consciousness, to describe a starling.’
‘A starling. You want me to describe a starling.’
‘That’s what I just said. Please describe a starling.’
‘Oh, I get it now. This is one of these psychological games. I’m now supposed to say that a starling reminds me of the teddy bear I had growing up or that a starling makes me want to hug my mother or that I have dreams about starlings building nests in my hair.’
‘Eldrick. Open your eyes and look at me. Read my ever loving lips. This is your father speaking. Not Sigmund Freud, but your father. Just sit up a little straighter and describe a starling.’ ‘Describe a starling? Da, what on earth is this all about?’
‘I am the one asking questions here. But, since you enquire, I am investigating the likelihood that your generation - for all their huffing and puffing about climate change and biodiversity - knows very little about the beauties of nature on their doorstep. Rather than feeling the wind on their cheeks, they would prefer to watch David Attenborough programmes on television. That is what we in the original research business call a thesis.’
‘It sounds to me more like a load of baloney I’m afraid, Da.’ ‘Just describe a fecking starling.’
‘I get the message…A starling. It’s a bird, right? Definitely a bird. Is that the one with the orange beak? Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer me to describe an emperor penguin? I can do that, no problem.’ Thesis proven?