All’s fair in love and war
One of the most positive responses to Hamas’s acts of hatred and the October 7 war has been Jews’ and Israelis’ pursuit of love.
Secret Tel Aviv, a Facebook group with almost 500 thousand members, which is a platform for posting questions, advice for olim, events, and personal advertisements, saw a surge of people posting about dating profiles during the war.
Many posted their personal photographs and their own requests for potential dates, while others posted on behalf of their friends and relatives. Group member Iris Saloman posted on Thursday about a speed dating event for ages 40 and older this coming Monday. Secret Tel Aviv has called on others to join the trend with online speed dating nights, such as one that was held on February 12 for Valentine’s Day.
Israelis have been seeking to help their fellow citizens in their quest for love, resulting in a newfound interest in a sort of modern matchmaking.
Israeli actress Maya Wertheimer has been posting Instagram stories, drawing attention to single reservists, sometimes resulting in hundreds of responses being sent to the bachelors.
During a live podcast with IDF reserves officer Elad Ben Ami, who was being interviewed about his company’s war operations on Channel 12 in November, reporters recommended that viewers date him.
Matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom, who many were introduced to in the popular Netflix series Jewish Matchmaking, noted on Instagram in December that “so many of our brave soldiers who are fighting in the war are single! And who knows, your soulmate might just be among them! So, just hang in there and let’s all be ready for when they come back home.”
In a conversation with The Jerusalem Post, Ben Shalom agreed that the concept of matchmaking was indeed making a comeback during the war.
“Life is short,” said Ben Shalom, “A lot of people are thinking ‘I don’t want to die alone,’ and want to help.”
Ben Shalom said that when people face life or death moments, they may reflect on their lives and realize that they want more from themselves. In times of difficulty, it is only natural not to be alone, and to have someone to lean on, she maintained.
The Jewish matchmaker noted that this didn’t just occur during war, but in other crises as well, such as the coronavirus pandemic.
With over 25 thousand members, the CoronaCrush Facebook group was started for people to post about themselves or their friends so that they can find their significant others even while in isolation or quarantine. It runs weekly virtual speed dating events. With the panic over the coronavirus being over, CoronaCrush is still operational, branching out to Instagram and another website, and has claimed over 50 marriages through the medium.
Ben Shalom said that another impetus post-October 7 was to counter Hamas’s genocidal intentions by creating more families. She said that fighting evil forces was not only possible
through serving in the military or volunteering, but also by building the nation’s future. The matchmaker said that she knew many people who already had families but had decided to have even more children.
“Sad that it took a crisis for people to realize that they want to bring more beautiful souls to the world,” said Ben Shalom.
Dating is difficult during wartime. IDF soldiers face deployments for months in Gaza, the West Bank, and northern Israel, with only a day or two at a time to visit home. For new couples facing long periods apart, Ben Shalom recommended that they treat it as a time of self-reflection.
“Who am I? What do I want? And how does this person fit into that?” Ben Shalom advised people to ask themselves.
Sometimes there might be a need to break up, she said, but more often this leads to greater
appreciation for the person that they are dating.
Israelis released from reserve duty also return home to spouses and girlfriends after going through immense changes during their service. Ben Shalom said that sometimes these changes are good and are able to “self-actualize.”
For those soldiers who need additional help, she counseled for understanding and patience. All people go through changes during their lifetimes, and their partners could learn to adapt through these slow shifts in the person’s character, but she said war is a “super condensed time period” with rapid change that could require some more adjusting.
“Don’t just stay connected to the person you know, but stay curious and learn about their new aspects,” said Ben Shalom.
Sometimes the change is too significant, but relationships that can learn to survive such crises are healthy ones, and only get stronger, she remarked.
While it still is prevalent in some communities, and there are thousands of years of the tradition, matchmaking is gone from much of the world.
“We rid ourselves of matchmakers,” said Ben Shalom. “We don’t have enough people who know how to make proper matches.”
The current state of marriage and relationships, especially in the West, is in dire need of help – because the current system isn’t working, said Ben Shalom.
Around 50% of marriages in the United State “don’t make it,” and a lot of people are in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Marriage has fallen out of favor because “some people couldn’t do it right.”
Those “obsessing” over physical intimacy instead of lasting relationships “don’t know how amazing it is to have a marriage and a relationship,” Ben Shalom stressed.
She explained that there were many different types of intimacy that were needed to create strong bonds in a relationship, and physical intimacy was just one of them, and a very short lived one at that.
Most people do want to create families, said Ben Shalom, but it has become a norm to push off this milestone.
“People are concentrating on work and careers so that they can fund a family they don’t have yet,” said Ben Shalom.
Getting married younger used to be normal, but people are pushing this off, assuming that they can pursue this later. But war and mass death puts the fragility of future plans into perspective, she claimed.
“I want to bring youth marriage back in style,” said Ben Shalom.
Both those that are marriage-minded and those pursuing physical desires have turned to the plethora of dating applications that have popped up in the absence of matchmaking and other community mediums for people to meet.
“I’m pro-app,” said Ben Shalom. “It turns everyone into a matchmaker.”
The downside is that many people do not know how to navigate the dating world alone, and there is little preparation for how to do so.
“You have a personal trainer for fitness, why not a personal trainer for relationships?” asked Ben Shalom.
While in her work as a matchmaker, Ben Shalom guides her clients in their search for their soulmates, she says that training singles to be their own matchmakers could take a while, and that she has her eyes on expanding the role of matchmakers in society.
Ben Shalom’s vision for the Jewish people and the future is what she unofficially calls: “The Global Matchmaking
Movement.” She wants to create a vast international network of matchmakers, starting with chief matchmakers in each country. The state matchmakers she would train would operate autonomously, training head matchmakers for cities, then communities, where they would work with local volunteers. Matchmakers would set up singles nights, shabbatons, inter-city events. She said that each synagogue and community center should have a matchmaker on staff.
Returning matchmaking at such a scale would result in more families, more babies, and secure the future of the Jewish people in the face of those who seek to destroy them, she suggested.
Ben Shalom contended that the entire world needed to consider matchmaking, and that creating more happy families would help bring order to the chaos in the world. If people, including Gazans, grew up with healthy homes they would value life, and those who had happy families wouldn’t try to murder others, she maintained.
“World peace begins at home,” said Ben Shalom. “I think that if people grew up in healthy homes and environments, then the current predicament wouldn’t exist.”
As the war continues, she suggested, Israelis will continue to help one another see it through. They will assist each other not only by offering support and volunteering, but also by helping one another find love, start families, and win the same ultimate victory that has always been achieved against those who sought the Jews’ destruction: living.
“May those that are searching find their person, and those that have helped others find them,” Ben Shalom said in a blessing.