Lethal words of abuse
Dear Editor,
There is a Chinese saying: “The tongue is like a sharp knife. It kills without drawing blood.”
Verbal abuse leaves no visible scars, but the emotional damage to the inner core of the victim’s self can be devastating (Campbell, 1989; Teicher, Samson, Polcari, & Mcgreenery, 2006).
It is a maladaptive behaviour to abuse children in any form, especially verbally. Verbal abuse is “constant name-calling, harsh threats, and sarcastic comments that continually beat down the child’s esteem with humiliation” (Pearl, 1994, as cited in Hamarman & Bernet, 2000). It is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept and self-esteem of the other person. Why then would a parent intentionally try to degrade a child by saying that he/she won’t amount to anything in life?
Hartling and Luchetta (1999) defines humiliation as “the deep dysphoric feeling associated with being, or perceiving oneself as being unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or put down — in particular, one’s identity has been demeaned or devalued”.
Parents, caregivers and guardians should always aim to motivate and encourage all children, rather than using belittling comments. If you talk to children in a disgusted tone it tells them they are not worthy of your respect.
Being an involved and helpful parent will greatly impact your children in a positive way. For example, encouraging them to do their best with school, hobbies, and ideas/interests, attending parent-teacher meetings and consulting with teachers, acknowledging their achievements and supporting them through mistakes and challenges and treating them fairly will help to build a trusting and long-lasting parent-child relationship.
I write on the heels of a conversation I had with an individual about the verbal abuses that his father used to inflict on him daily when he was growing up. This individual is one of three siblings and he stated that he had a hard childhood due to his father’s negative comments and jeering. His father voiced negative opinions of him and another one of his siblings, stating that they would not amount to anything significant in life. His negative opinions were based on the fact that he only saw one sibling as being “bright” and able of achieving greatness. The individual explained that he was hurt by what his father said to him, so he was determined to prove him wrong. He used that denouncement to prove his father wrong 10 times over. He is now living comfortably, with a good education in another country, while his other siblings also live comfortably, are well-educated, and work in reputable professions.
However, some people are unable to see beyond the verbal abuse and succumb to the negative assaults. This can lead such individuals down a negative path that may cause self-harm or harm to others.
Parents, even if this is what you think, there is no need for you to subject your child/children to this form of verbal assault. This thought should be kept to yourself; as Jamaicans would say, “Kip it to yuhself.”
Parents, do not damage your child’s self-esteem, instead you should always seek to build up your child in a positive way. We have an important part to play in our children’s lives for they are the future of any country. Therefore, for children to be able to trust others and form meaningful relationships, both personal and business, it first begins with us, parents, guardians and caregivers. Thus, we should always aim to build up the little ones that God has entrusted in our care, instead of trying to tear them down, and be guided by Ephesians 6:4 which states, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”