Baby intrusion

God mark Thee to His grace! Thou wast the prettiest babe, That e’re I nursed

An I might live to see thee married once,

I have my wish.

— Shakespeare

Two things struck me in that quote above, the first that the word ‘prettiest’ preceded babe, and secondly, that word ‘babe’. So many people call each other babe, and I wonder why.

“Hi babe, I just called to say hi.”

“Oh babe, that’s so sweet.” But the reasons can also be sinister, as one popular TV commercial implies.

“I call all my girlfriends babe so that I don’t mix up their names.”

Again, why babe? After all, a baby is usually a miserable, messy, bawling, cranky, incontinent, defecating bundle that is always needy, and constantly hungry between all those other episodes. “At last, the baby sleeping, I can get some rest now.”

Is that what you want to be identified with, to be compared to a little miserable human being?

Then, of course, the word ‘prettiest’ also stood out, for Lord help us, there are some ugly babies around! But don’t tell the parents that.

Whichever way you cut it, babies can be a joy, yes, but they can also be an intrusion in people’s lives as we’ll find out right after these responses to ‘Five stages of romance’.

Hi Tony,

What you say is true, but here are the five stages of romance from my perspective.

1. Attraction: You see the woman for the first time and are immediately taken with her.

2. Infatuation: You fall madly in love (or think you do) and would do anything to please her.

3. Exploration: Going out on dates, dinner, movies, getting to know each other.

4. Ecstasy: The feeling when you discover her body for the first time, then over and over again.

5. Commitment: When you decide to live together, or get married. Til death do you part.

Samuel

Hello Teerob,

As far as I am concerned, the five stages of romance are the same as the five stages of lying, based on my experience. First the meeting, where he lies, then getting to know him, where he lies, then the courting, where he lies, then the infidelity, where he lies, then the lack of commitment, where he lies. The five stages of lying are more like it.

Janice

Babies are necessary for the continuation of the species, whether it be humans, animals, or even plants, for they have their little seeds too.

The offspring comes in various forms but, unlike other species, human babies can prove to be an intrusion in some people’s lives, and as the saying goes, be a pain in the butt.

I’m not referring to those men or boys who get women pregnant and then disappear. There’s no intrusion there for them as they’ve jumped ship, hopped on their horses and hightailed it out of Dodge City. For the mother though, that baby can be an intrusion in her life.

Before, she was carefree and happy-go-lucky, but now with the crying, bawling, everlastingly hungry baby, her life has changed forever. No wonder so many young women leave their infants all alone at home to attend dances and parties. They want to recapture the freedom that they once had and dismiss the intrusion.

Sadly, that irresponsible act often ends in disaster. Some young mothers can’t manage this infant intrusion so they pass on the “little bundle of joy”, the “enfant terrible” as the French say, unto the grandmother, who now has the onerous and challenging task of raising that child.

“How come you so miserable all the time?”

“Is me granny grow me.” So often I watch the news and see young women in their 20s laden with five or six children. Yes, those mothers love their babies but they also often see them as an intrusion on their lives. “If I never have them I would be better off with my life. I can’t get nuh work because of them.”

Even in the best of circumstances where a challenging economic situation isn’t the issue, babies can prove to be an intrusion. There they are, a happy married couple bent on advancing their careers or education when suddenly the wife says, “Babes, I’m pregnant.”

“Say what, but I thought we had planned to wait a few years?”

Did those situations give birth to the term unplanned pregnancy? Many men weren’t all that pleased when they heard that their spouse became pregnant because, as far as they were concerned, the timing wasn’t right. But they just had to smile, go with the flow and accept it.

But how dare he? For, after all, he had a part in the production of that baby, although some will say, “I thought that she was using protection.” The intrusion occurs because their lives are now turned upside down, topsy-turvy, a maelstrom of misery, a barrel of bedlam. No longer can he come and go as he pleases and for certain, the mother is now tied to that baby for many years to come. Life as she knew it before is now over and a new era has begun.

“I can’t do a thing as de pickney dem tie me down.”

“I don’t want any woman with too much pickney as I can’t take the crosses.”

That baby has to be fed and, apart from the breast milk which is undoubtedly ideal — hence the slogan ‘The breast is best’ — sometimes that infant has to get other types of food, and formula can prove to be expensive. The diapers that often have to be bought by the case can be expensive also — and unfortunately they don’t come cheap.

Gone are the days of cloth diapers, as they are inconvenient in the modern world and the constant washing can be quite difficult and distasteful — just one more intrusion that the baby brings into people’s lives.

Now, some babies are deemed good, and sleep through the night from the age of three months old, sometimes earlier. But there are also some little horrors who cry incessantly at the top of their lungs, from dusk til dawn, refusing to sleep except for an hour or two before they reprise the caterwauling.

That’s why when people say, “I sleep like a baby,” ask them to specify, for most babies sleep fitfully, waking up every hour our two to pee up themselves, or messing up the sheets with poo. Come to think of it, I know some older men who are just like that so when they say that they sleep like a baby, believe them. Their wives whisper. “Every minute him get up fi guh use the bathroom.”

That’s why there are always signs in theatres or cinemas asking people to take their crying infants outside so as not to disturb other patrons. That vocal intrusion is just too much to bear. I know that some people may take offence to the word intrusion but you try sitting beside a baby that’s bawling non-stop on a long flight or at the movies and tell me how you feel.

Then there are the doctor visits, for even healthy babies require post-natal care, which can be expensive. Not to mention the huge expenses if the baby has any medical issues!

But even with this baby intrusion people keep on having them, for the species has to continue. Plus, as the dread said, “Every woman must have out her lot.” Many take this literally, as the word lot means a lot to her, and she literally has a lot of children. They heed this call, and are prolific.

Men boast of having numerous children with different women, while women have multiple children with various men. Last Sunday’s Gleaner carried an article about Jamaican singer Dickie Bonnick who is reported to have fathered 53 children, the eldest in his 40s and the youngest two years old. Deejay Ninjaman has 29 children.

Is there always baby intrusion? Perhaps that intrusion isn’t necessarily negative, though, but rather a situation in which many people have to adjust because they can’t do the things that they normally would.

“Norman, you can’t go to the bar as much as you used to now that the baby is here.”

“Yes babes, I’ll gladly give that up.”

Babies can be a blessing, and even if it’s by accident — unplanned, as the cliché goes — when that child is born it can bring such joy and happiness to the family and friends. The daddies are proud: “Hey, is my youth dat,” the mothers are beaming, the grandparents are ecstatic at the prospect of a new life beind added to the family.

How that baby turns out, though, is another matter. As Shakespeare said: “Though she be little she is fierce.”

And, they do cry. “When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools.”

More time. seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: There is crime and there is crime, and crime occurs everywhere, but when it sinks to a level of depravity that even animals would not descend then we have to take stock and wonder what would make another human being commit such acts on others. A few weeks ago an 81-year-old lady and her two granddaughters, ages 10 and 6, were killed by gunmen. What manner of evil could bring someone to kill an old woman and young children? I bet when they are caught there will be much talk from the human rights groups who are otherwise silent. The police must feel frustrated when their hands are tied by endless bureaucracy. Criminologist Dr Jason Mckay, who writes in this paper, has some sound ideas about how to deal with these animals. Give him a read.