Monogamy, failed success

I would not wish

Any companion in the world but you. Nor can imagination form a shape, Besides yourself to like of.

— Shakespeare, The Tempest

Those words were not only penned and uttered by shakespeare in one of his plays, The Tempest, but repeated often by men and women over the centuries. sweet words were always the balm, the salve that soothed the soul of lovers. And they really meant them too, even though they are as ephemeral as a snowball in the sun, as fleeting as a wispy cloud and as difficult to fulfil as the act of holding water in the palm of your hand.

Some water may remain, but most will get spilled through your fingers. The intent is great, but the end result is uncertain. And thus begins the genesis and the end of monogamy, that elusive wish that many people say that they want to achieve, but will mostly fail at, either in mind, body or spirit.

Just like water in the palm of your hand, monogamy is a failed success, for it gives the illusion of success, for truth be told, some water is retained in your palm, but failed in the end, for it’s not sustainable and spills eventually.

It’s indeed a difficult, almost impossible task to be monogamous in the true sense of the word, even though millions of people take vows every year around the globe promising to achieve that state.

“I would not wish any companion in the world but you.”

“I will not have sex with anyone else in the world but you.”

Both are noble utterances, but both fail in the reality even as they succeed in the intent. Monogamy, failed success, truly an oxymoron of epic proportions. We’ll see how and why, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Crime of passion’.

hi Tony,

I can understand, but not necessarily condone why a man would attack another man who is messing around with his woman. It is passionate love for the woman and passionate rage for the man. I believe that in Texas, when a murder was a crime of passion, punishment included a fine of up to $10,000 and prison time is limited to as little as two years and maximum of 20 years. How civilised and French.

Francois

sir Teerob,

The reason some men will fly into a rage and commit a terrible crime when they’re cheated on is not just about the passion alone, but the disrespect that the man feels that was meted out to him. Imagine, his wife takes her lover into the matrimonial home, and into the same bed that they both shared for years. That is the ultimate disrespect, and man fi dead over dat.

Robert

Now, let’s get down to the meat of the matter, that of monogamy. People often use the word with consummate ease, but do they really take it seriously or just say it to please others even as they consummate their illicit romance on the side?

What is monogamy anyway? ‘The practice of marrying, or state of being married to one person at a time.’ ‘The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one person.’

“Young men were most likely to stray, saying monogamy was unnatural.”

“Monogamy is rare in most animal groups, but is common among birds,” continues the research. Is that why the cynics say that monogamy is for the birds? Just asking for a friend. But surely I jest, tinged perhaps with some wry cynicism.

“A monogamous marriage and family is what some women want… but not all of us. We are mostly doing serial monogamy anyway.” — Betty Dodson

“I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy.” — Frances Bean Cobain

“Marriage becomes a special talent like acting. Monogamy requires genius.” — Warren Beatty.

I recall many years ago writing an article titled ‘Sequential monogamy’, which falls in line with what that lady Betty Dodson said, so I’m in good literary company and also in sync with the female point of view.

The failure of monogamy is due to the fact that it is unnatural. True, many people try to practice it, and therein lies the success, for it keeps many in line, on the straight and narrow. But even as they succeed in the physical state, they fail in the mental, emotional and spiritual state, and that’s the failure that I referred to.

Because monogamy is unnatural, people are always conflicted, holding strain, champing at the bit, tugging at the harness, pushing the mental boundaries, struggling, always struggling.

So even as they practice monogamy, and I daresay succeed in the physical sense, it takes tremendous will to keep the natural urges in check.

Men will admit to this, but most women won’t. A man will say, “I love my wife and I’m being faithful, but Lord knows, my mind strays from time to time and I desire others.”

Yes, the flesh is curtailed, but the mind is unfettered, free to roam the sexual realms of desire, so he succeeds by not physically straying, but fails in his mind. And you know what the Bible says, “So a man thinketh he doeth.”

Some men will act upon these urges and rattle the chains of monogamy, and actually take another woman on the side. We all know how common that practice is. He’ll be married to one, but has another or two, dispelling, shattering the myth of being happily monogamous.

Is it any wonder why so many people are sneaking around behind each other’s backs and carrying on illicit affairs? If monogamy was a natural state, they would feel no need to go elsewhere for sexual gratification.

And it’s not only men who feel that way, but women too, for there are wives who dabble in dubious, delicious, delightful dalliances daily, just to satisfy their carnal desires, dispelling the theory of natural monogamy.

That’s why some societies actually realise the futility of forced monogamy and fly the gate, allowing men to have multiple wives, as long as they can afford them. The Bible is full of such men, King David, Solomon and others who had countless wives at their disposal and acquired more along the way even as they disposed of a few.

Even now in some parts of the world it’s still practised, as men are allowed to have as many wives as they wish, as long as they can afford them. That eliminates the hypocrisy and façade of monogamy in the western world where men have one so-called wife and multiple secret concubines hiding in the dark under a cloak of deception.

The question is, though, are women allowed this luxury of having multiple husbands? Hmm, food for thought, but if it exists, it must be rare, based on the findings that I have compiled over the years and from the utterances of many husbands.

“My wife can barely manage me alone much less any other man.”

“Most women can’t handle multiple men at the same time, physically or emotionally.”

“Woman with multiple husbands? Dem joke I don’t run.”

“It doesn’t occur in nature, so it’s unnatural.”

“One cock nuff hen, one bull in the pen.”

Here’s what Dr Leahcim Semaj wrote in his 1982 Journal of Black Psychology. “The black family is under assault from within and without. Among the factors contributing to this situation is the declining sex ratio. It has become necessary to evaluate various family lifestyles since it is impossible for every black woman to enter into a monogamous relationship with a black man. This situation worsens as her educational and income level increases.”

People are monogamous for various reasons; out of respect for their spouses; financially, as it’s too expensive to keep multiple relationships going at the same time; age and ability, after a while de bwoy can’t perform with the same vim and vitality as it used to; fear of catching something and bringing it home; fatigue, just too darn tired of running up and down chasing after women.

So when a man boasts, “I’m monogamous,” take it with a grain of salt, for maybe it’s not by choice, but by design. It’s not a moral decision, but a forced condition among those listed above. Given half a chance though, many people would take a nibble if the bait was tempting enough and the chance of being discovered was low.

That’s why those overseas business trips are notorious monogamy breakers, far from prying eyes with a very low chance of being caught. Monogamy, a failed success, but still heralded as being a natural state, even though it’s not. Look deep into your heart and tell me that it’s not so.

More time. seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Whenever you find a good professional worker, hold on to them for dear life. Some workmen are so shoddy with their work that it’s unbelievable. Many of them arrive late for the job, if they show up at all, then they take hours to complete it and to add insult to injury, leave a colossal mess behind without cleaning it up. This has been the experience of many people who I know who had bad episodes with shoddy workmen recently. It’s like this generation of tradesmen have very low standards. Fortunately there are still a few excellent ones around, but they are in such demand, it’s easier to find a brain surgeon. So if you have a good mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter, IT guy, give thanks.