Love Your Child

“Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom.” - Anonymous

Unconditional love isn’t just what we feel. It’s what the object of our love feels: love without strings attached. That means our child doesn’t have to be, or do, anything in particular to earn our love. We love her exactly as she is.

Most parents spend most of their time trying to fix their children. Wishing and wondering, “if only he’d be nicer to his sister .... when will she use the potty? .... He’s so timid and needy... I just want her to sleep through the night... he’s great, but I would have loved a daughter this time .... She argues with everything I say; why does she have to be so strong-willed?... why does he lose everything? He drives me crazy!”

It’s true; our children can drive us crazy. But can you imagine feeling like you just aren’t good enough, the way you are? That’s not what any of us want for our child. And the paradox is, it’s hard for any of us to change when we feel defensive. That goes doubly for a child, who feels more threatened by our disapproval. When your child feels unconditionally loved, he’s more likely to blossom. And you’re more likely to see change.

So what can you do to accept your child unconditionally? Start with these five habits.

1. Appreciate your child’s “weaknesses.” Everyone has traits that take special effort to manage. But it gets easier if you remember that human “weaknesses” can be understood as the flip side of our strengths. For instance, a child might be incredibly stubborn, arguing with her parents to get what she wants until she simply wears them down. While that trait is hard to live with, the flip side of the trait is dogged persistence. This is the kind of persistence that will serve this child well if she grows up to be a scientist, a novelist, and attorney .... indeed, almost any profession would be served by such persistence.

If this is our child, we can help her understand that her persistence is an asset, but can also drive others crazy and make them angry at her. She needs to learn to modulate it and use it, rather than letting it control her. Helping children to know themselves well and to manage themselves to best meet their overall goals is one of the most helpful gifts any parent can give a child.

2. Grieve. Maybe you wanted a boy but you got a girl. Maybe you wanted a quiet, cooperative child but you got an exuberant live wire. Maybe your child has special challenges that make parenting extra tough. Maybe you’re just sorry she got that tangly curly mop instead of your silken mane. If there’s something you wish were different about your child, he or she is likely to sense it. The understanding may not be in words, but in some visceral sense of not being good enough. The solution is to let yourself feel those feelings, and grieve. Let it go. Grief burns, but it cleanses the psyche and helps us make peace with what is. From there, we can embrace our actual child, not some idea of who he or she should be.

3. See your child’s “faults” from your child’s point of view. Naturally, we assume we’re right .... which makes our child wrong. But we could see it another way, a way that is actually much closer to reality: All “misbehavior” from your child is an SOS. Under your child’s misbehavior there is always a reason, an upset feeling or unmet need. Address that underlying reason, not the behavior, and you’ll see a change in your child because you answered her SOS.