Novem­ber 8, whe yuh deh?

Jamaica Gleaner - - KELLY’SWORLD -

WORK­ING IN­SIDE a news­room means you have to keep your eyes firmly fixed on what­ever is hap­pen­ing not just lo­cally and re­gion­ally, but also in­ter­na­tion­ally.

Now, un­for­tu­nately, that means, at times, a whole heap a sui­cide bomb­ings, a good dose of protests against in­equal­ity and in­jus­tice, and maybe a nat­u­ral disas­ter or two. But look yah nuh man, the ex­ten­sive (and I do mean ex­ten­sive) cov­er­age of the up­com­ing US pres­i­den­tial elec­tion tek di cake. Is like ev­ery minute is another re­port, panel dis­cus­sion or poll about the darn thing. And yes, I know I am not help­ing mat­ters by in­tro­duc­ing it in this col­umn. But some­body haffi say sumt­ing.

Look here, I get that the job of pres­i­dent of the United States is kinda a big deal. Es­pe­cially see­ing as how US inna ev­ery­body else busi­ness. But lawks man, we need a break yah now. Ev­ery news item is Hil­lary this or Trump that. If Hil­lary nah tell lie ’bout email, Trump a say him neva feel up nuh woman ’cause dem ugly. Fa­ther God, mi nah tell yuh how fi run yuh show, but if yuh coulda mek di eighth of Novem­ber for­ward a likkle faster, I would be most ap­pre­cia­tive. Mi caan tek nuh more a di com­plain­ing, di back-and-forth over fool­ish­ness, and the con­stant re­minders about elec­tions past.

While I’m at it, I have some ad­vice for the can­di­dates. First off, Hil­lary, nuh badda beat di horse nuh more. Si di fin­ish­ing post deh. Lame horse Chump nuh have nut­ten lef’. Him buss from di three­quar­ter mile post. Jus’ show dem di whip, Hil­lary, yuh can’t lose. If yuh beat di horse nuh more, di rac­ing com­mis­sion a go charge yuh wid ex­ces­sive use a di whip.

Now, as fi di odda big rider inna dis race. Don­ald, this thing a get em­bar­rass­ing now bredda. Ev­ery minute yuh find fault with some­thing. Ei­ther yuh mic nah work, or yuh nah get en­uff time fi talk! And when yuh fi­nally get di mic fi talk, yuh nah say nut­ten. Yuh tell man say yuh inna di feel-up feel-up ting and den one avalanche a woman come out and say a true. Don­ald, just call it a day. Di horse you rid­ing is a dead one. It can’t go nuh more. Mi un­der­stand yuh can’t just say yuh nah badda run. But at least nuh mek it look so.

As for the Lib­er­tar­ian can­di­date Gary John­son, my ad­vice is stop run­ning! For two rea­sons. First, yuh a go get as much vote as I would if me and Brad Pitt were the choices in a sex­i­est man alive con­test. And two, yuh a id­iot. How yuh a go talk ’bout for­eign pol­icy and yuh don’t know that Aleppo (the cen­tre of the Syr­ian refugee cri­sis) is a place? Di man ask “what is Aleppo?” in an in­ter­view. Ju­nior Schools’ Chal­lenge teams know Aleppo and weh it deh. And yuh waan tun pres­i­dent? Yuh mad!

So that’s it. Mi fin­ish. Novem­ber 8, please hurry and come. Love and thanks.

Don­ald Trump

Hil­lary Clin­ton

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