November 8, whe yuh deh?
WORKING INSIDE a newsroom means you have to keep your eyes firmly fixed on whatever is happening not just locally and regionally, but also internationally.
Now, unfortunately, that means, at times, a whole heap a suicide bombings, a good dose of protests against inequality and injustice, and maybe a natural disaster or two. But look yah nuh man, the extensive (and I do mean extensive) coverage of the upcoming US presidential election tek di cake. Is like every minute is another report, panel discussion or poll about the darn thing. And yes, I know I am not helping matters by introducing it in this column. But somebody haffi say sumting.
Look here, I get that the job of president of the United States is kinda a big deal. Especially seeing as how US inna everybody else business. But lawks man, we need a break yah now. Every news item is Hillary this or Trump that. If Hillary nah tell lie ’bout email, Trump a say him neva feel up nuh woman ’cause dem ugly. Father God, mi nah tell yuh how fi run yuh show, but if yuh coulda mek di eighth of November forward a likkle faster, I would be most appreciative. Mi caan tek nuh more a di complaining, di back-and-forth over foolishness, and the constant reminders about elections past.
While I’m at it, I have some advice for the candidates. First off, Hillary, nuh badda beat di horse nuh more. Si di finishing post deh. Lame horse Chump nuh have nutten lef’. Him buss from di threequarter mile post. Jus’ show dem di whip, Hillary, yuh can’t lose. If yuh beat di horse nuh more, di racing commission a go charge yuh wid excessive use a di whip.
Now, as fi di odda big rider inna dis race. Donald, this thing a get embarrassing now bredda. Every minute yuh find fault with something. Either yuh mic nah work, or yuh nah get enuff time fi talk! And when yuh finally get di mic fi talk, yuh nah say nutten. Yuh tell man say yuh inna di feel-up feel-up ting and den one avalanche a woman come out and say a true. Donald, just call it a day. Di horse you riding is a dead one. It can’t go nuh more. Mi understand yuh can’t just say yuh nah badda run. But at least nuh mek it look so.
As for the Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, my advice is stop running! For two reasons. First, yuh a go get as much vote as I would if me and Brad Pitt were the choices in a sexiest man alive contest. And two, yuh a idiot. How yuh a go talk ’bout foreign policy and yuh don’t know that Aleppo (the centre of the Syrian refugee crisis) is a place? Di man ask “what is Aleppo?” in an interview. Junior Schools’ Challenge teams know Aleppo and weh it deh. And yuh waan tun president? Yuh mad!
So that’s it. Mi finish. November 8, please hurry and come. Love and thanks.