I love food, but I ain’t no foodie

DESPITE THE size of my stomach, I’m no foodie.

I do enjoy food, but foodies are people who actively go out and try new dishes. Yours truly is really not that adventurous when it comes to food. In fact, the more predictable for me, the better.

Circa my late teens and early 20s, I noticed that I could no longer consume shellfish or any dairy products. This discovery was quite disturbing, because growing up I had no issues with either.

With my mom being from the western side of the island, this meant trips to her hometown. Those trips would take us through Middle Quarters, and of course, yuh haffi buy ‘schwims’.

As for cheese, well, a burger from Burger King or two hefty slices of bun were simply no good without it. And then little by little I realised that my body simply no longer agreed with these dishes.

What a disappointment! Unfortunately, I’m one of those persons who would go to one of those fancy restaurants inside an all-inclusive hotel and starve to death. In fact, now that I think about it, that actually did happen. We were all having dinner, and I just couldn’t find anything that didn’t have copious amounts of cheese. Look yah nuh, a di mercy a God mek I survive ’til the next mawning when the good ol’ buffet was open again. Never again!

In fairness to my allergic reactions, I was never a food maverick to begin with. That’s why events like the upcoming Restaurant Week don’t really get me drooling (literally and figuratively).

The food always looks fancy, and let’s face it, not all of us can dine at some of these restaurants every week. But boring people like me just can’t appreciate it. Give me the usual suspects – chicken, pork, beef, fish, and dem other meat deh, done the ‘regular way’ and I am good to go.

The most exotic thing I’ve ever eaten is haggis, that Scottish dish that is basically a savoury pudding containing sheep’s heart, liver, and lungs mix up with whole heap a spice. And it’s encased in an animal’s stomach.

So that was pretty adventurous, right? Except that sheep is just like any other livestock. I was just eating sections that aren’t the most popular with the average person.

And you know how some people will travel far and wide because a meal is just that good? Not me, bruh. I had wild hog once, and in fairness, the possibility of trying it was one reason I went on the trip. By the way, when I say trip it was not in some foreign country. It was right here in a (very) rural part of St Thomas. And no, I wasn’t part of the hunting team that caught the poor pig either. So I lose stripes there again.

But I’ve never tried anything like calamari or fried grasshopper. I’ve heard of gastronomic events where people even eat stuff like spiders and worms, and I’ve seen more than a few videos about eating monkey brains, too.

Yuh tink me a go ever try dem deh? Not a rhatid! Normal food for me please (burp).