The essence of intemperance
IN APOCRYPHA, our favourite fantasyland beyond the clouds where all politicians are friends and Oma D’unn, a PhD in logic, but, like a moon, bright only in the dark, solved political dilemmas by parable, a furore arose over the appointment of an acting chief justice in neighbouring Wakanda.
In Wakanda, an all-black nation rich in vibranium, Apocrypha’s most-sought-after energy source, King T’Chandru recently refused to replace the retiring Wakandan chief justice with a permanently appointed successor, preferring instead to appoint the popular choice, Justice Tyrone Tyke, as temporary replacement. His appointment was accompanied with T’Chandru’s stern warning to be careful how he performed so as not to jeopardise Wakanda’s economy or the King might be forced to give in to a loud feminist lobby to permanently appoint a female chief justice. “Your actions will either uphold the proud traditions of our black, maledominated society or the results will be a female chief,” T’Chandru warned. “I already must travel with some deadly Amazonian high-school karate chicks as my security. Don’t make me make it worse!”
Apocr ypha, Wakanda’s major trading par tner, sent Foreign Affairs M inister Ahkneida Johnson and Justice Minister Delly Cluck to try to convince T’Chandru to walk back his inflammatory remarks and make a permanent appointment. But every time Ahkneida tried diplomacy, Delly would interrupt and threaten T’Chandru.
Come now!
One time gone was Water Pumpee.
Then dem come with Cool and Deadly. Jump up, up, up, it come by me!
Fling ‘way dat; we waan some new stylee ... .
T ’Chandru told Delly he wouldn’t be moved by threats or bullying and that Delly should return to Apocrypha and see if he could get people to tone down the furore so that he could make the appointment without losing face.
Each and every year you have a new stylee. Each and every year you have a new stylee, Della man!
But Delly was incapable of appreciating innuendo, so took T’Chandru’s words literally. As he disembarked in Apocrypha, he responded to media queries from Naughty News Network’s Fritz Kebab by announcing that there’d be no permanent Wakandan chief justice until “the furore dies down.”
Di Della Move!
Do di Della Move!
Come crowd o’ people. Come get inna di groove, (trouble)!
Standing beside him, Ahkneida, who’d been busy protecting her hairdo from airport winds, could only hold her head more securely and sigh. Unable to convince Delly to keep his counsel in public, Ahkneida consulted Oma and asked him what to do. Oma told her to buy a medical dictionary. She looked confused, so Oma told her the story of the medical student studying for his anatomy exam.
“This medical student was tr ying to unravel the mysteries of the large intestine and the interaction among the body’s solid waste, li quid waste, and seminal fluid systems, which were to be found near each other but with very different roles, functions, and definitions.
“So he went to his course director, a famous anatomy professor and avid gardner, and asked him to explain. His professor told him he first needed to get a grip on the difference between what ordinary people called ‘guts’ and ‘balls’ so he wouldn’t confuse them with healthy internal organs.
‘My son,’ the Professor began, ‘there’s a medical distinction between guts and balls. We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with guts or balls. Few of them truly know what these medical terms mean.
‘For your examination preparation, you need to know the difference. So here’s the official distinction as contained in the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
‘GUTS: arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with broom brandished menacingly in hand, and asking: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?’’
‘BALLS: coming home late after a night out with the guys; smelling of perfume and beer; lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the rear, and saying: ‘You’re next, Chubby!’
‘I trust this clears up any anatomical confusion. Medically speaking, there’s no difference in diagnosis or prognosis. Both are often induced by substance abuse. Both are fatal!’”
Because Ahkneida still seemed blank, Oma explained that in dealing with people with BOTH guts and balls, however these diseases originated, the only medical option is to pull the plug. With regard to Delly ’s intemperance, Ahkneida realised that her only option was to adopt Admiral Bailey’s creative lyrics and advise a Delly Move. If that didn’t work, then a Delly Shuffle would definitely be in order. Peace and love.
Apocrypha, Wakanda’s major trading partner, sent Foreign Affairs Minister Ahkneida Johnson and Justice Minister Delly Cluck to try to convince T’Chandru to walk back his inflammatory remarks and make a permanent appointment.