Remembering Morris Cargill
THE LAST few months, amid a flood of articles from armchair crime fighters telling us how to fight the scourge of crime in Jamaica (the same humdrum, nothing new), two topics dominated the headlines: the governmentproposed National ID System and the appointment of Chief Justice Bryan Sykes.
The former had me yawning until a glimmer of interest was aroused, when there was suspicion that it could be a fulfilment of the end times and the Mark of the Beast. Nothing like a good mystery to spike one’s interest. Alas, this fizzled.
While death by boredom is a distinct possibility, I hope to amuse and entertain you with writings from one of the greatest exponents of satire – Morris Cargill.
As Morris aged, like many of us, he succumbed to nostalgia. He remembers an English woman, Mrs Bourne, a starchy widow of a colonial civil servant. She was deeply concerned with all manner of good works that included an activity known as visiting the sick.
As she got older, and less able to walk long distances, she acquired a bicycle and, in addition to visiting the poor, rescued stray animals. On one occasion, she picked up one of her stray cats, exclaiming, “Oh, dear me, my little pussy is losing its hair.” Her gardener working nearby turned to her and said with genuine concern, “I tell you, ma’am, all de time, dat all dat bicycle riding is bad fi yu.”
On the subject of pussy (the variety without fur), Morris informs us that, “Henry Ford, the great automotive engineer, said that had he been asked to design a woman, he would never have put the intake manifold so near to the exhaust. This has caused much grief to women and put a great deal of money into the pockets of doctors. Some are like bottom- mould, so a combination of proper guttering and painting would’ve cut off the problem at its root decades ago. Was this ever considered?
I’m confident, based on knowledge of Dr Clarke’s history, that he’ll do more critical thinking on any assigned portfolio and less profiling for cameras.
Congratulations to Major General Antony Anderson, Jamaica’s latest commissioner of police. What I’m sure of is that, like Nigel Clarke, Commissioner-in-waiting Anderson has benefited from a “great British education”, including at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, and also a great American education at the Canadian Forces Staff School and the Canadian Land Forces Staff College, at the International Officer Studies Division of the United States Army Command and General Staff College, and at the Harvard Kennedy School of Management.
General Anderson is another critical thinker who I confidently expect to implement new and transformational policies at the Jamaica Constabulary Force. What he fails to bring to his new job is either a ‘squaddie’ mentality, or a ‘rural and downto-earth ethos’. If he did, he’d be doomed to the same abject failure as recent predecessors.
I see what this Government is doing. Despite a Westminster system of governance that forces one into the mediocre mindset that a ‘rural and downto-earth ethos’ is required for political leadership, it is seeking to fill political and managerial vacancies with transformational, critical thinkers. Sometimes, as in the recent appointment of a chief justice in an unconstitutionally ‘acting’ capacity, the kindest description of less pits into which many unfortunates fall, and others become useful repositories for smuggling cocaine.”
From a medical doctor’s perspective (or vantage point, if you prefer), once you have seen one, you have seen them all. Or so I thought. Over the years, however, one cannot help but notice their unique shapes and personalities – a wink here and a smile there.
UNIMAGINATIVE PRACTICE
As regards the penis, he makes the point: “Too many men are unimaginative practitioners of the wham bang, thank you, ma’am school. There is no point in using one’s penis as a club when women prefer rapiers.” I suspect our own Nature Boy, who resides in my area, noted for being exceptionally well endowed, uses his like a whip to force his partners into submission.
“Jamaican men disclose their penis anxiety by constantly clutching their crotches presumably to remind themselves that nobody has recently chopped them off.” Or disappeared as in Lagos, Nigeria, in 1990, when there was a strange rumour that genitals were disappearing, usually after bodily contact, such as handshaking. Many Lagos residents checked their genitals immediately after a handshake. Morris warned his readers: “Just to be on the safe side, check your genitals if
Government’s ‘actions’ to bring these ‘results’ would be hamfisted, but the thought process being used is change-oriented, and absolutely necessary to bring about the dramatic attitude adjustment and results Jamaica needs.
Jamaica’s current prime minister, despite his occasional muddle of legal and constitutional matters, is obviously a critical thinker who won’t be satisfied to simply occupy the office, but is intent on leaving Jamaica better than he found it.
NOT THE PROBLEM
Good for him. I also read into his ‘actions’ that he wants to avoid an expensive and possibly contentious process of sweeping constitutional reform, which might delay, and eventually derail, his plans for Jamaicans’ welfare. But, Young Andrew, you’re not the problem. Jamaica’s problem is the Westminster system. Maybe (I doubt it) you can find creative ways around that system to achieve your lofty national goals. But what about the next prime minister? And the one after that?
Unfortunately for us, Andrew Holness is under no pressure to take the constitutional reform plunge because, at every step of the way, an anachronistic, lumbering, tribal, ineffective People’s National Party (PNP) is acting as if it’s so far removed from national reality that it is almost invisible. An outwitted PNP isn’t being helped in its inelegant attempts at relevance by imbecilic public analyses like one appearing on the Twitter account of Damion Crawford:
“In six by-elections since 2016, PNP won four and JLP won two. PNP total votes, 26,748; JLP total votes, 14,714. That’s a 12,034 difference. The noise isn’t more important than the FACT.”
Yawn! Persisting in what appears to be a simple-minded someone shakes your hand.”
Morris was not a great admirer of the Patois Bible. “Personally, I’ve never regarded the Bible as much of a book, and it seems to me to describe it as God’s Word is singularly unflattering to the Almighty. But the King James Version is redeemed by the beauty of its language. Now, even that is to be lost.”
To preserve its beauty and meaning, Morris decided to offer his version, translating a passage from Genesis: “Big Massa, im seh to Adam, ef unoo go touch dat tree in de miggle deh, unoo wi get bus arse. But sinake craf cyan done. Im seh to Eve doah mek Big Massa fool unoo. Is frighten im frighten seh unoo wi get as smart as im. Nat a ting gwine happen to yu. So Eve nyam de fruit an it sweet ar bline. She say to Adam, “Gwaan, man, tek a try. And henceforth, all humans have been cursed by original sin.”
Morris Cargill was profoundly pessimistic, yet never despairing, frequently sarcastic but never lapsed into cynicism. His polemics provoking pompous people were sugar-coated with wit and humour: “You can get away with murder if you make people laugh.”
■ Ethon Lowe is a medical doctor. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and ethonlowe@gmail.com.
impersonation of a time traveller from 1980, Damion doubled down on the “black royalty” issue:
“This is how #BlackRoyalty has treated us peasants ... . They were warned against the property tax increases”. This was accompanied by a report from online newspaper Loop News about a 99-year-old man charged for non-payment of property taxes. He wasn’t Dunn:
“This is how #BlackRoyalty has treat (sic) us peasants....they found money for roads in every by-election #PeasantPunishment”, accompanied by a Jamaica Observer story of the Cornwall Regional debacle.
This is a pathetically sad reincarnation of old-style politics at its worst. Maybe the Government deserves the critiques. But what on earth does either comment have to do with Nigel Clarke, at whom they’re obviously aimed?
Not everybody in the PNP sought refuge in backwardness. The following came from Basil Waite:
“Congratulations @DrNigelClarke on being elected MP. As a Munronian, I’m proud of you. As someone who has accomplished only because of education, I’m proud of you. Your achievements embody the very reason the PNP was formed, and continue to pursue the politics of empowerment.”
This means there’s hope for the PNP, but Bunting and Crawford’s attitudes could keep it in Opposition for 20 years.
The PM says that he believes in term limits, so he must ensure his transformative actions bring sustainable results. Get the constitutional reform show on the road TODAY!
Peace and love.
■ Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@ gleanerjm.com.