MAINTAINING A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
‘Words of affirmation can go a long way, especially for men in a society like ours. Boost his ego, make him feel valued and respected. ‘
And darling, I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70 And baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I’m thinking ‘bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me, I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud
IT IS advisable for persons to have a health check-up every year to ensure that everything is working right in their bodies. But when it comes to a union that is meant to last forever, there is usually no such ‘health’ check.
But just like the human body, everything may look OK on the outside, but a lot can be happening on the inside.
Marriage needs a check-up from time to time, and as Minister Kashina AlexanderMcLean of the Victory Family Centre tells Family and Religion, it’s an important habit that should not be overlooked.
McLean, who is also the founder of Scars that Speak Out Loud, an international empowerment and personal-development organisation, says it’s advisable to acknowledge the part one plays in a relationship – whether it’s positive or negative.
“Then ask questions of your partner, such as how they feel regarding past memories of fun times together, dreaming about and planning for the future, or simply doing stuff as a team,” she shared.
This, she points out, will give both parties a good idea on the status of their marriage and what needs to be worked on.
“When you can be open and accepting of each other’s thoughts, actions, and feelings, the union is still in a good place so interaction will always be good,” she highlights.
When there are children in the marriage, McLean says, observing them can be used to assess if everything is in good shape. One great way to gauge the health of the marriage is to watch how the children react to you as a couple.
“My teenager often expresses how she desires a marriage like the one I have. I remember also reading an article about how we sleep as a couple that speaks to ascertaining the health of the marriage, and I do believe it has some substance to it as it suggested that when a couple sleeps (head and tail) or on far ends of the bed, they are not happy versus when they spoon or cuddle,” she highlights.
THE MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE
Clear indications that the marriage is in trouble, says McLean, is when communication decreases or when one partner becomes dismissive and shows a lack of interest in conversation or activities with the other.
Other signals to look out for, according to McLean, are when one partner starts spending more time than usual on the phone or doing other things such as watching television, working late more frequently, finding new friends or hobbies, making excuses for not spending time together. All can indicate a loss of interest in the relationship.
The ‘medicine’ for injecting more health in the union, said McLean, is to talk about the issues that are affecting the relationship and be willing to apologise first. (I learned this from my husband).
“Date your spouse, don’t ever let him/her feel as if you have grown too familiar with them. Try new stuff together, emphasise the importance of alonetime or vacation and make those times special memories,” she says.
An important habit for marriage health, McLean said, is also reminding your partner that you appreciate them and saying thank you for the little things they do.
“Words of affirmation can go a long way, especially for men in a society like ours. Boost his ego, make him feel valued and respected. Practise being honest even when you may be wrong or feel ashamed, and watch your mouth; words hurt and can never be retracted,” she reminds.
The key to keeping the relationship ‘virus free’, for the minister, is avoiding external influences such as family and friends, as she said that most times they cannot be objective.
“Avoid taking advice from someone who is unmarried or divorced. Sometimes their views can be biased based on their experiences with relationships, and above all, pray, pray, pray together and encourage faith-based activities like going to church together as much as possible,” she concludes.