The unnatural primacy of ‘sex’ (Part 2)
IT’S UNFORTUNATE that much of our interpersonal relationships are affected by ‘sex’. Most people are initially attracted to others because of sex. It’s unusual for a man to be attracted to any woman because of her personality. That may play the major role over time, but initially, her looks, posture, sound, smell and how she moves weigh heavily when they first meet.
Women are attracted to the physicality of a man, but they also seriously consider his mannerisms and personality. Some, on both sides of the gender divide, take into account the bank account.
If two people become attracted to one another, the initial bond is often a sexual one and is driven by dopamine – the brain hormone that makes us lovesick and always want to be around someone. This can be a dangerous chemical because it may also cause insane jealousy.
Over time, if the couple remains together, that dopamine drive recedes and the rational, caring, nurturing brain hormone, oxytocin, takes precedence. This is the hormone that engenders long-term relationships, gives that warm and fuzzy caring feeling of true (selfless) love for one another.
However, if a relationship is controlled by sex, besides jealousy, there may be abuse and violence. Some people use sex as currency. They trade it for affection, food, appliances, expenses, and even raw cash. Interestingly, there is a primate (an ape) that has earned the reputation as the ‘sexy’ ape.
The bonobo apes use sexual intercourse for almost everything! They have sex with any other bonobo and in many different positions. They use sex for social bonding, strengthening social relationships, to repair rifts, to say ‘thanks’, ‘hello there’ and ‘see you later’. They use sex and genital stimulation to soothe others, relieve tension, and to resolve conflicts. For them, the non-reproductive role of sexual acts is for social interplay. Consequently, unlike their closest relatives, the chimpanzees, bonobo society is relatively calm and peaceful.
A MEANS OF CONTROL
I believe that there are many human beings who behave just like the bonobo apes. Perhaps it’s their natural or social programming, childhood abuse, a psychological condition or whatever, but some people don’t perceive sex as a very private and intimate (moral) thing, so they use it to control others, to get what they want from, or to appease, others. This debasing of something so special as sex is facilitated and enhanced by the way our society cheapens it, reduces it to a commodity, an accessory to something else, and saturates everything with it.
There are very dangerous consequences to treating sex that way. Sexual relations run the risk of being, on the one hand, inconsequential, and on the other hand, the only thing that keeps a relationship together. Because it’s not special to some people, they become lascivious. Because sex has lost its special place, some become so bored with it that they involve themselves in threesomes and orgies or cross the gender barrier out of curiosity.
Then there are those situations where sex is the all-important part of relationships. So, if a partner withholds sex, it’s seen as a betrayal or that someone else is involved. Men withhold support for their children if they don’t get sex (even when the couple has separated), and women withhold affection if the men withhold sex.
When taken to the extreme, instead of just walking away, there is blinding, rage-filled jealousy that leads to many of those mutilation murders and murdersuicides that we see all too often. People go berserk because of sexual disappointment and kill the person that they used to ‘love’. But true love transcends sex.
We need to discourage the cheapening of sex, highlight its consequences, and teach our children about morality and true love.