Building up homes one couple at a time the McLaren way – Part 2
HAVE YOU ever wondered how two people who were so in love before marriage could suddenly start despising each other?
Kemar and Datonya McLaren, the couple we met last week, who are committed not only to making their marriage work but to helping others find the spark they lost, say couples have to understand that marriage is a partnership from the start until death.
“A common issue for many couples is the lack of teamwork and the shift from complimenting each other to now competing with each other. Before marriage, people were willing to go all the way for each other and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. When life sets in, expectations are not met, disappointments weigh in. Over time, we allow ourselves to shift our view from teammates to enemies,” said Kemar.
He said that to avoid this or deal with this issue, couples must seek a trusted mediator who is able to offer balance.
“We are not going to see eye to eye on a lot of things, and understanding each other can be quite a challenge, so having a mediator helps us to see from the other person’s perspective, or even the right perspective. Even the Bible says there is safety in the multitude of counsellors.”
Datonya added that couples must also educate themselves on the mechanics of marriage and understand that two individuals with different ways of being and thinking are now trying to work as one.
“Many partners say they care for their marriage, especially men, but do very little to educate themselves on how to have a better marriage. Anything that is valuable to you is worth the investment and time, so read, watch – read and watch – as much as you can. Do not take things too seriously. Marriage is the coming together of two flawed human beings; make room for plenty of mistakes and trial and error,” she said.
The McLarens have had to find their groove over the years, learning and unlearning patterns, especially since four children are now in the mix.
“I used to work in the education sector, but not since we started having children. For most of the time, I have been a stay-at-home mother, doing little businesses here and there. We started having children from our second year of marriage, and our family grew to now four children – two beautiful girls and two handsome boys.”
BALANCING ACT
With a family natural-juice business called 4J’s, Datonya said that although balancing family and all else can be very difficult, making sacrifices is what works.
She said: “I have since launched my speaking career and begun speaking in schools as a motivational voice and in churches as a relationship expert. I keep a balance of things by having a diary to help me organise, and I am trying to stick to the diary. There are times I get overwhelmed with all that I have to do, especially as it relates to the children and the house. My husband helps a lot.
She added, “We also get additional help, where necessary, or else we would be overworked. My husband would facilitate me going out with my best friend as a way to recuperate, and this has helped a lot. He always pushes me to go out and relax.” With very hectic schedules, the McLarens are always implementing strategies to manage time, but they never compromise family time.
“Family fun is twofold for me: it is seeing us worshipping, like when we have family devotions; taking a trip together; or all of us laughing at some game, movie, or just each other. My ultimate wish for my family is that we are all saved. I advise my kids that this world is but for a fleeting moment, and I encourage them that only what is done for Jesus Christ is of any true value. I also hope that we all rise to our full potential, both individually and as a unit. Oh yes, and when things are ‘normal’, [I hope] that we will have a real family vacation,” said Datonya laughingly. Kemar ended, “My wish for all families around the world is that we make the necessary investment. We often voice that marriage and family are important to us, but we do not do what it takes to have or maintain these quality relationships. It has become acceptable to just merely live, even if we hate the lives we live. But I pray that we will be driven to have quality marriages and, in turn, show our children that this is the standard for true success.”