Strangers in my HOUSE

Dear Counsellor, I am a 14-year-old female and I have ‘strangers’ in my house. It has been just about three weeks now that we have been forced to stay at home and participate in the new online learning. The other challenges include the fact that my mother is working from home, my father was recently laid off, and my two younger siblings are all at home. In the first few days it was amazing … it was fun! But as the days progressed, it has become a nightmare!!! There is constant quarrelling between my parents, and I cannot stand my siblings. There is no space for privacy anymore; we are on top of each other. I have to do assignments and online classes; and so, too, my siblings. There is not enough credit to stay online and the Internet service is terrible where we live. The priority, according to my father, is rent, food and bills, so everything else is a toss-up. I say there are strangers in the house because I never seen my father or mother as I see them now … they are grumpy, shouting at us for the simplest of things, and look so unhappy. My mother is anxious all the time and is spending most of her days in the room on the computer. I hate COVID-19. –H.D.

Dear H.D.,

All of us are facing the effects of COVID-19 and, truth be told, some families are having a difficult time, whether financially, emotionally, or in ways that are outside of their control – e.g., access to a reliable source of Internet service – and are not adapting well. I notice that in the earlier days your family was having fun! This is not unique to your family – after the excitement of not being in school settled, the reality of the effects of COVID-19 has become more evident.

There seems to be an increase in the level of stress within your family and, believe me, this is normal. When persons are ‘forced’ into situations, our bodies react to stress in different ways. Where there were underlying stressors, COVID-19 will only enhance the responses of individuals. The neurological responses can either be ‘fight, flight or freeze’. Persons in ‘fight’ mode usually appear aggressive, need to exert control over situations, and tend to want to manage everything. Persons in ‘flight’ mode feel like they want to run away, need space or want to be left alone, are fearful, and sometimes anxious. The persons who are in ‘freeze’ mode look like they are OK, are not engaging in activities, or appear to have disconnected. Can you identify who in your family is in which mode?

The challenges you have outlined are real, and whereas all the issues may not be resolved, let us look at some options.

■ Family ought to sit together and have a ‘real talk’ session about the situation. The sharing of feelings and clarifying of fears would be the first step. The fact check of where the family is now is very important. FACTS: COVID-19 is here. Father has been laid off. Mother is working from home. Children are ‘working’ from home. We LOVE each other.

■ Listening to each other and practising some of the necessary character traits such as patience, kindness, understanding and love is going to bring the family closer.

■ There needs to be scheduling of time and activities to include ‘me’ and ‘we’ time. There should be a schedule for online teaching and learning, and mother should have her schedule arranged as well. Carving out time for family fun and work activities helps to ensure structure and establish a routine that works for everyone. Remember, the family would not normally be spending 24 hours together as, before COVID-19, everyone was engaged and in his/her space either at work or at school. Each person will need ‘me’ time; that is time by themselves to process that day’s activities and to destress.

■ Planning down-time activities – games, playing or listening to music, gardening, cooking, exercising, creating a business, using talents within the family, and reconnecting by various media with relatives and friends – should help.

■ The Ministry of Education, through the regional offices, have been offering assistance to students who may need devices and/or online support. Ask your parents to contact your school and ask for help. There are also free platforms that students can access. Ask your teacher about this.

■ This may be an opportunity for your father to engage in upgrading his skills or learning a new trade.

The HEART Trust is offering online short courses – he may want to explore that option.

■ With regard to your father, there is assistance for him, too, if he applies to receive the compassionate grant offered by the Government.

Your parents may seek help from other agencies as well. Asking for help when you need it is very mature and prudent in times of crises.

■ As it relates to the Internet service, there is not much you can do, except explain to the teachers your situation. I am sure they will understand. H.D., when you are online, ensure that you make the most of the time – ask questions, complete your assignments, and revise, using your notes and textbooks.

■ Whereas it feels overwhelming to be together as it is now, you always have to be grateful for health, family and the opportunity life presents, even in crises.

H.D., I wish that your family will grow together and recognise that together you are stronger. Follow the guidelines as they relate to handwashing and sanitising, wearing masks if you go into the public spaces, and practise social distancing.

Be SAFE !!!! Stay BLESSED !!!!