Four ways to improve relationships
IN ANY relationship, there are inevitable challenges that arise. In these moments, our egos typically compel us to believe it is the other person in the dynamic who needs to change, say they were wrong, and apologise.
But we can change this dynamic and preclude any tensions from becoming exacerbated by the blame game. By instead tweaking how we show up for others, new possibilities arise. We can connect to others more magically, feeling true harmony in our interactions.
Unlike holiday love stories and romantic comedies in which all is resolved after one or two conflicts, maintaining thriving relationships takes some effort, but it does not have to be impossible.
According to Moses Chybar, health and wellness coach, there are four methods that people can use to improve their relationships. Citing the ‘Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz, he indicated that people can be impeccable with their words, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best.
The first agreement Ruiz prescribes to is to be impeccable with your word, which includes speaking with integrity by saying only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others, and use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
“Take time to listen. Try not to be eager to spill out your own thoughts before others are finished. Really tune in, which likely means put your phone down, turn away from the computer, turn the television off, and look at people while they are speaking. Keep doing so and people will look forward to the fact you take the time to be thoughtful, ”Chybar said.
Choose your words slowly and carefully. Even that few extra seconds can save you from saying something you did not mean, or does not make sense, or perhaps comes across as inappropriate, Chybar said.
“Practise only using words you are comfortable with. Think of your words as a contract: if you were upheld to the words you use, how would you speak differently? If you tell someone ‘I’ll be there’ but don’t mean it, what are the repercussions? People will trust you less, invite you less, think you are a flake, or simply not think your words have much value,” he said.
The second agreement of Ruiz is, don’t take anything personally. Whatever happens around you, Chybar said, do not take it personally. “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world,” he said.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. “What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds,” he said.
“Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you do not need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally. Do not take anything personally, because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing. When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay,” Chybar added.
Humans, he said, have a very powerful imagination, and there are so many ideas and stories that we can imagine. “We listen to the symbols talking in our head. We start imagining what other people are doing, what they are thinking, what they are saying about us, and we dream things up in our imagination. We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it,” Chybar said.
One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally. Then we blame other people, and we usually start gossiping to try to justify our assumptions. Of course, by gossiping, a distorted message becomes even more distorted.
The fourth agreement, always do your best, is the one that allows the other three agreements to become deeply ingrained habits. Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less; but keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next.
“Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be highquality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energised in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy, as opposed to sick; it will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or angry and upset,” Chybar said.
Take the time to appreciate yourself and get in touch with your emotions, to be able to express yourself clearly and more effectively.
Not knowing how to regulate your emotions and express them healthily can negatively affect your mental well-being. Healthy relationships are not found but built. A healthy relationship needs commitment and willingness to be accommodating to each other’s needs.