My husband says I am nasty

Dear Pastor, I am 24 years old and I am married to a 35-year-old man. I am a Christian. My husband became a Christian seven months before we got married.

I told him that I couldn’t marry him until he became a Christian. We were dating for over a year but attending separate churches. Some of my church brothers saw us together on many occasions and asked me whether he was a Christian. I told them that he was not fully a Christian.

One Sunday I went to church, and when I listened to my pastor, it sounded as if someone told him about me.

I used to fornicate with this man, but I wasn’t in peace with my conscience, so I decided to break up with him. He got serious and became a Christian and joined my church.

We decided to get married. After we got married and moved in together, he started to find so many faults with me. He’s always comparing me to the other women he had in his life.

When things don’t suit him in the house, he calls me lazy and untidy.

I have to work from 9 to 5 and when I get home I am tired. I begged him to help me to clean sometimes, but he declared that it is a woman’s duty to take care of the house.

He said that he used to live with a woman and she kept the place clean. But as he was talking about the woman, I realised that she was not working and she could barely sign her name.

ENOUGH TIME

She had more than enough time to clean the house, wash and iron, etc. I could only do these things on weekends because I work from Monday to Friday, and when I get home I have to cook his dinner.

Another problem I find with him is that when it comes to lovemaking and I don’t do certain things, he slaps me on my buttocks and puts me on top of him and tell me to ‘whine’. And if I don’t do it to his satisfaction, he curses and compares me to some other girls that he used to have. He even threatens to go back to these girls.

I am just sick and tired of the comparisons that he makes. He tells me that he will stop, but he continues to do so.

Pastor, I am not perfect, but I am trying to be a good wife. Sometimes my husband tells me expletive when we are in bed. I am not that type, but I know women who told me that they use certain words and it turns their men on.

I told him to let us go to see our pastor, but he does not want to go. He said that the only pastor he would listen to is you, so kindly give us some words of advice.

R.W. Dear R.W., I am wondering whether your husband is genuinely converted or he became a member of your church because you insisted that he had to become a Christian before you marry him.

You did not say whether both of you went through premarital counselling before getting married. I am not suggesting that every couple should attend pre-marital counselling sessions, but such sessions can really help a relationship.

I believe that your husband means well. He grew up believing that a woman should take care of the house, and it is her duty to keep it clean, cook and wash, etc.

His responsibility is to provide the money that she would need to take care of food, rent, mortgage, etc. That is very sad, because although every good wife would like to keep her house clean, she needs help.

LABOURING HARD

Husbands who believe that they should just sit and watch the football games while their wives are labouring hard, need to learn to be helpful and supportive. And although it is the wife’s responsibility to take care of the home, her husband ought to help her in every way possible.

It must be very tiring for a woman to work all week and to do all the housework, including the washing and cooking on weekends. The men might be tired also, and in such a case, they should pay a day’s worker to take care of the cleaning and the washing. Argument done. While some of these men insist that they should have a clean house and everything in place, they also want their wife to function very well in the bed- room at night; the women say that it is impossible to do so without the help.

A man should not curse his wife and call her nasty or lazy. Instead, he should do his best and try to be understanding. Here is where good communication comes in. For example, you have never lived with a man and it might take you a long time to adjust. Instead of you and your husband quarrelling and fussing in an insulting manner, both of you could sit very calmly and have a useful exchange of thoughts on how both of you could improve your lives as husband and wife. That is called communication.

Therefore, I suggest that you do so as soon as possible. Both of you are intelligent people. After you have spent another six months together, write to me again and let me know if your relationship at home has improved. Pastor