THINKING OF GIVING MY HUSBAND ‘BUN’

Dear Pastor, I am 35 years old and a mother of three kids. The youngest is just four years old. I have been with my husband from high school.

I got pregnant at 17 and we stayed together. We are doing well as he has his own business and I have a good job.

The problem is, I don’t feel happy anymore. I feel stressed, and even depressed, at times.

My husband works a lot, almost every day; and even when he gets a Sunday off, he always finds something to do.

I take care of the kids and try my best to be a good wife, but he is always complaining and finding faults about everything.

He’s a good father and provider, but he neglects me and doesn’t appreciate what I have done. I love him, but I feel my life is just passing me by and I am just going through the motions.

Pastor, I’m not going to pretend that I am perfect, because I was molested as a child by a family member and I lost my mom and dad a year apart.

And I don’t think I properly dealt with those issues. So sometimes I can be very aggressive and angry. My mom died at a young age (46) from cancer and I watched her suffer.

STRONG AND INDEPENDENT

Sometimes I cry and I feel so alone, but I can’t talk to my husband about these things because he thinks I am a strong and independent person. But, Pastor, I am so broken.

The molestation issue was never addressed to this day, because the family of the rapist just removed the individual from the house and acted as though everything was OK.

I never spoke about it. In fact, I am ashame to even talk about it. I can’t even remember what age I was, but I remember the ordeal clearly.

Pastor, do you think I can be happy? I don’t know where to put the blame for the emptiness I feel.

Sometimes I think of having an affair to fill the gap that I believe my husband has f ailed t o f i l l , but will I feel whole? I am so confused.

T.P. Dear T.P., I know for sure that having an affair would only make you feel worse.

You may enjoy the sex with your male partner if you admire him and like him; and if he knows how to make love, it may do the world of good for the moment.

But it would not solve your major problem. At the moment, you see your husband as a good provider, but not a very caring man.

And you blame yourself for the sexual abuse you suffered at the hand of a wicked relative.

You have to stop blaming yourself. You were incapable of fighting off this abuser. Those who are to be blamed are the adult relatives who should have protected you.

The person who raped you should have been dealt with according to the law and you should have undergone therapy.

I want you to know that it is not late for you to meet with a psychologist and to deal with your problems which are emotional, physical and psychological.

I feel somewhat that you do not have the greatest respect for your husband, perhaps for men in general.

So I would ask you to change your attitude towards your husband. He is doing his best, but he is lacking in many areas. And he has to learn to cope with you.

He, too, would need to see a counsellor. I would gladly recommend a psychologist to you. I would send you his name and address under a separate cover.

Pastor