Molested, raped, and left broken-hearted

Dear Pastor, I am a 19-year-old female attending a college in Jamaica. I must tell you that these past years in my life have not been easy, as I have been molested, raped, and left broken-hearted by men in so-called relationships. But I’ve kept on going.

I’m now in my second year of college and I’ve met a really great guy. We’ve been together for seven months, and everything is great. My problem is that I was a Christian, but I’ve been backslidden for a few years now.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling the urge to go back to church and give my life to God again, but I do not know how to approach my boyfriend about it. I want us to do it together. We love each other very much and we relate to each other well, but I want our relationship to be a spiritual one also, one that is right in the eyes of God.

Please assist me by suggesting a good way to approach my boyfriend with this issue.

My other problem is one that I have with my mother. I was raped at the age of 12 by a family member, and when I told my mom, she disbelieved me. She allowed this man to live in the house up until 2005.

The problem goes deeper than that, but I feel guilty. I feel guilty because she’s my mom, but I don’t love her like I’m supposed to because of her reaction to what happened. Sometimes, I feel like I hate her.

What should I do to get rid of this feeling? Is it wrong to feel this way?

K. C. Dear K. C., First of all, let me deal with the matter of rape. It is indeed unfortunate that your mother did nothing about it, and your reaction to her is quite natural, considering the position she took when you informed her of the rape. Every girl wants to know that her mother loves her and will do everything to protect her.

A good mother would not tolerate hearing that her daughter was sexually violated. Why did she take the matter lightly?

Sometimes, parents try to keep the matter within the family. By doing so, they fail to realise that the rapist will continue to sexually abuse the victim. Sometimes parents don’t believe that this ‘nice’ relative would rape a family member. And there are times when a mother may believe what her daughter says, but will do nothing about it because the rapist is the only breadwinner in the family and she is afraid that if she asks him to leave, she will not be able to support her family alone.

You are now an adult. Therefore, you should talk to your mother about the issue. You should let her know that it has affected you psychologically and emotionally all these years. If your mother is paying for you to go to college and you believe that she may overreact and stop supporting you in college, then clearly, this is not the right time to tell her how you feel.

I believe also that you should seek therapy. Everyone who was sexually abused should go through therapy. Therefore, I am asking you to call a psychologist and set up an appointment with him/her.

Concerning your boyfriend and your wanting to go back to church, you said that both of you have a good relationship, and that you communicate very well. I suggest, therefore, that you discuss the matter with him on one of your dates. Don’t give him the impression that you are forcing him to go to church with you.

Pastor