Don’t think this relationship is working

Dear Pastor,

I am 31 and have been in a relationship with my spouse from I was 16. We have two beautiful daughters. I’m from St Catherine, where we first met.

My parents did not approve of the relationship but they gave me their blessing. At that time, he was living in St Catherine because his stepmother, who lived in the US, got a young woman for him to marry so he could go there. He got married in 2005. He told me it was for just the opportunity. The marriage did not last because of issues between the two families. He has not heard from his wife since.

We now live in Manchester, where we built a house. His stepmother and I had a very good relationship. She would help me out in whatever way she could by sending me items to sell. Pastor, she was my rock and I was feeling somewhat accomplished. We had a small shop, where we sold cooked food, and operated a bar. There were times when I used to complain about him not looking for a job as a security guard. He said that he was not born to work for people. I also do some farming for myself and whenever he sees me ploughing or sowing seeds, he walks right by without offering to help. We have our ups and downs. We were even arrested together, but I didn’t lose hope because I believed in us.

In 2010, he started operating as a tattoo artiste and it started working out for him, but there were also challenges. He started having affairs, and there were instances where I caught him in compromising positions with other women. We would fall out and get back together. Because of the drama, I stopped focusing on him.

I joined a church and I got baptised. I’m very involved in my church and community. I’m hard-working and he does not deserve me, but apart from the things he has done in the past, he really loves his two daughters and he makes sure food is in the house for them. But, Pastor, he doesn’t show interest in the things that matter to me, like ensuring that I get an allowance to take care of my bills.

We recently bought a very nice car, but he makes me feel like I haven’t contributed to any of our achievements. His stepmom died, so I just buy things from Kingston. Since her passing, I have become discouraged. But I’m still keeping my head above water. I really thought this man would be my husband, but I’m not feeling as if I have achieved much. Instead, I feel like all the things that I have worked for belong to him, and I feel like it’s best for me to give up everything and start afresh. But the current pandemic makes my vision a bit blurry. We are in a good place at the moment ,but please tell me what you think I should do.

J.T.

Dear J.T.,

The relationship did not start out well, and I say that because you encouraged this man to do what was wrong. You have to learn that you ought to do what is right and ask God to do the rest. This man was with you, but he listened to his stepmother and married another woman to gain permanent US status. You conspired with him to do so. Now he has been waiting on his socalled wife, and others who were involved in this illegal marriage, for everything to work well in his favour. But nothing is going on. Your parents did not like what they saw and they told you so. But you are a big woman, so they gave you their blessing. You and this man are not doing well. He is keeping other women. You have been trying to help yourself.

You mean well by buying and selling, but if he means you well, he should get a divorce from this woman, free himself and marry you. That is what he ought to do.

I am sure from what you said of the church that the people in the community think that you and this man are married. You are fooling them, but you cannot fool yourself.

So get this man to file for a divorce and get married to you; that would allow you to live a better life.

Pastor