Making love on our wedding night was hard

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column since I was going to high school. When I went to college I used a lot of what you have written as source material. You are always up to date and you provoke discussions in some of the classes I attended.

When I started to date my boyfriend, who is now my husband, he did not always agree with you, but I took your side. Today, my husband stands up for you whenever your name is called and people are discussing the responses you give. I commend you for doing such a great job over the years.

I am having a problem, Pastor, and we need your help. I grew up with my grandparents and they taught me to hold my head high, and not to get pregnant. My grandfather was an elder and in our church. If a guy got a girl pregnant both of them were put out of the church, and the guy was encouraged to marry her. Some of these girls were my friends and they never came back to the church.

My husband and I knew that we could not have sex until we were married. It was hard for us, especially for my husband who was accustomed to having sex when he was a teenager. I remember one evening when the both of us were alone, how my fiancé got down on his knees and begged me to have sex with him, and when I said no, he started to cry. And he left and went away. I thought I had lost him but at about midnight he called to say that he would be coming back to see me.

We changed our wedding plans and got married earlier. We were very happy. But on our wedding night my husband could not enter me. Although he tried and tried; and the both of us began to cry. I did not know what was happening. I thought that I was sick. But my husband, after seeing me cry, stopped and started all over again after massaging me and doing something I never thought he would do. But it worked. To this day I don’t regret not having premarital sex with him. But he did say that he was taking a big risk with me.

The only problem that my husband and I are having now is that we do not have children. But we are working on that with a doctor.

P.P.

Dear P.P

I want to believe that part of the problem that made it so difficult for your husband and yourself on your wedding night was that you were not relaxed. Some women would have been thinking about the wonderful time they would have with their men on their first night. Not being able to penetrate you frustrated your husband. But he was very understanding and tender towards you. And I suppose you were there carrying on and fighting.

There is a condition that is called vaginismus. For some women, the vaginal muscles involuntarily or persistently contract when they attempt vaginal penetration. The contractions can prevent sexual intercourse or make it very painful. This can happen as the partner attempts penetration. Also, when a woman inserts a tampon it can happen. It can also happen when a woman is touched near the vaginal area. Vaginismus doesn’t interfere with sexual arousal, but it can prevent penetration.

I hope that your husband and you are having a very good sex life, and I hope that very soon you will become pregnant.

Pastor