Wish I could turn back the hands of time

Dear Pastor,

Growing up, I was always enthused by all the letters others have written to you, and the excellent advice that you would always give them. They have assisted me in my approach to situations I have experienced.

I grew up in a poor household, but I have never gone to bed hungry. God has been extremely good to me. I would not change anything about my past struggles. I watched my dad work menial jobs just to support me in school. When he didn’t have the money, he would cry as my mom was ill all the time. My mother could not obtain any meaningful employment. Hence, I worked extremely hard in school and university where I graduated with honours. I made a promise to my parents that they will never have to suffer for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, my mom passed after I completed my second degree. That shattered a part of me to pieces, but I always cherish her memories.

I have been living with a man for the past five years. About a year ago, I realised he is not the same person I met and fell in love with. He constantly abuses me verbally and would then pretend that he is sorry. I would forgive him over and over, but he refuses to stop. He is a great father to our child. I would not take that away from him.

He would constantly repeat all that his supervisor tells him, and whenever she asked him to do anything he would never hesitate, even outside of work hours. I thought it was innocent as she is an older woman living with her husband.

One Saturday, he went to get some items at the supermarket. When I called him, he said he was at her house fixing something. I was upset because he did not mention that before leaving. He cursed me the worst way when he got home. We talked about it and I forgave him. He went as far as telling me that his supervisor and her husband are not living like us. He even told me I am acting like we are in a committed relationship. Yet he talks about marriage all the time.

NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL

How can I get married to someone like this? He is always arrogant to everything I say or do, even if it’s for his own good. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. All I ever wanted was to be a decent girl and enjoy the fruit of my labour while making a positive impact within my country. He would talk to everyone else in a peaceful and caring manner except me. Everything he does for me he takes it and curses me. He has never mentioned what I ever did for him and the things he put me through.

His mom even embarrassed me while I was staying at his home to finish school. I forgave her, but I will never forget that day. He has never asked his mother to call me and apologise. I just let it go and treat her with respect and anything I have I bless her with it.

When I first met him, he wasn’t working. I encouraged him to get a stable job. I even walked many miles to mail a letter to his current place of employment just so he could be a better person. I have never stressed him for money to do my hair, nails, etc. I live a simple life, and try to depend only on me.

I am way ahead of him in terms of my education, but I have never looked down on him in any way. I always encourage him to be a better person and to keep pushing. Clearly, he doesn’t want that, he just dwells on all things that are negative. I had to use his phone when mine was down and he even have go-go girls numbers stored in it. When I confronted him about it, instead of apologising he was very arrogant and verbally abused me.

I cried for days knowing how much I love and respect him. Is it wrong to be kind? Why is the world so cruel? I even started questioning myself where I went wrong. Why was I so kind-hearted to help this man and now he is treating me like this?

He is very good at reverse psychology and likes to play innocent. I am tired of suffering emotionally. I will ask him to go in peace. It’s OK to be alone than unhappy. I used to be scared of what others might say, if I leave him now I am OK. I was even worried that my child would be hurt. If I am not happy my child can never be happy. I have no more tears left to cry.

Please give me your advice. I will truly appreciate any response you will provide. The both of us read your column daily so I will definitely be showing him your response.

Be safe. God’s blessings on you. Initial withheld by request.

Dear Writer,

This man is ungrateful, and his behaviour shows that he doesn’t care about you. Others mean more to him than you do. Therefore, I would suggest that you consider ending the relationship with him. As I see it, there is no future with him. He insults you and shows that he does not care. You would lose nothing by leaving this man.

Remember that your child needs a better home in which to grow up. The child knows when both of you are upset. I need not say more. You are not in a good relationship, so move on. But don’t be surprised that when you do, he’ll come back running after you and making big promises that he would change. Don’t believe a word that he will change.

Pastor