Boyfriend does not worry about my disability

He takes me out often and when I go out with him, I don’t even remember my physical problems.

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I have a disability. Because of it, my folks have discouraged me from having a boyfriend.

When I was 22, a man came into my life. He was about 40 years old. My relatives told me that he was going to fool me. Whenever he visited me they showed him bad face. They did not welcome him. I was living with my cousins. They told me that if I was to have a boyfriend, I should have one who is in a similar condition as me. I told them I was not interested in that; I was interested in a ‘real’ man who was able-bodied.

I got a job to work as a receptionist, so I meet many different people. My present boyfriend loves me very much. I do not want to say what my problem is. When I asked him why he would want me as his girlfriend, he said that when he looks at me, he does not see my disability, he sees me as a woman and I am very charming.

I have my sexual urges and this man is able to deal with me and to make me feel wanted. He takes me out often and when I go out with him, I don’t even remember my physical problems. The lack of education causes people to pass dispiriting remarks about disabled people. My boyfriend and I engage in sexual intercourse. It has taken both of us a long time to understand how we can do so in comfort. I am very happy with this man and he is happy with me.

My boyfriend is shorter than I am, but he can manage very well. We have even discussed trying to have a child together. I asked my boyfriend why is it that his private parts is so small; he could not give any reason. I told him that it is his disability. We have even learned to have sex in different positions.

My relatives do not question me any more. I do not have to depend on them for anything. They are glad when my boyfriend comes to see me because if he does not bring me food, he takes me out for dinner. He is living with his siblings. He has his own room but because of my disability, I do not stay with him. He always takes me home regardless of how late it is.

I know you are wondering what my disability is, but when I write to you again, I will tell you. Would you encourage this man and I to get married and try to have a child? My boyfriend says we should consider adopting a child after we are married and we have bought our own house. I will write to you again.

M.A.

Dear M.A.,

I want to believe that when you were younger your relatives were trying to protect you.

I believe that they genuinely felt that men would try to take advantage of you. But you have come to know that there are men who will look beyond a woman’s disabilities and love her from the heart. I remember one Thanksgiving when I was in America, my friend and I visited a young woman who had a disability. She was an officer in the Salvation Army. She could hardly use her hand and she walked with great difficulty, but she was preparing for friends who were going to visit her and celebrate Thanksgiving with her. She was cooking up a storm, so to speak. I watched that girl as she moved around her kitchen and did so without complaining.

There are people who are disabled, but who live alone. Because a person is disabled does not mean that he or she has lost his or her sexuality and has no use for a partner. Such persons should not be shunned or made to feel that they are useless. How does a man without hands make love to his woman, or a woman without hands make love to her man, or woman without legs deal with a man? I look forward hearing from you again.

I am glad that you found a man who is treating you very well. Take care of him in your own way and he will take care of you. Please let me hear from you again as you have promised.

Pastor