Pastor forcing us to get married

Dear Pastor,

I am a 23-year-old man. I am very active in the youth department of my church. During the COVID19 pandemic the attendance in my church decreased. However, things have now improved; the youth choir has built up again, and I am in charge.

I have a female friend who is a part of the youth choir. We have got very close. I asked her to become the assistant director, but my pastor did not agree for her to play that role. He said that before she can play that role, both of us would have to be married. He called me in a meeting with the elders, and he told them what he advised me to do. I told him that we are not ready to be married, as we do not know each other well enough to take that step.

To my surprise, the pastor asked me to step down from the position of choir leader. He said the leader should not be involved with a woman unless they are married. I felt so hurt, and threatened not to go back to the church. However, my father told me that if I leave, people would feel that this girl and I are carrying on. Many people in the church are upset about what the pastor did, but they are trying to keep quiet about it.

I know that I did not do anything wrong. My father said that before appointing the young lady as my assistant, I should have discussed it with the pastor. Perhaps that is what I should have done, but to move me from the position that I held in the church is not right, and it hurts me.

It hurts me because I make arrangements every quarter for youth Sunday and I invite a lot of young people to church. This girl and I have never gone to bed.

People in the church told me that they have never heard any rumours about us. However, the pastor is showing his power over the members of the church.

This girl is very humble and she is also very talented, but we are not going to rush into marriage. I do not have a permanent job, and she is only 21 years old. Do you think that my pastor was right in moving me from the position that I held?

E.

Dear E.,

Your father told you not to leave the church and he also told you that you made your mistake by not informing the pastor that you were appointing this young lady to be your assistant, but that was not a major issue. You did not commit a sin by not informing the pastor that you wanted the young lady to become your assistant. You observed that she is talented and would suit the position. She would be a good leader. So, although you did not inform the minister, that was something that he could have spoken to you about quietly, and he could have left it alone.

Some leaders, however, like to show authority and in doing so, they hurt others. Stay in your church and do your best to cooperate; and do not be surprised if you are reinstated very soon to the position.

Before I go, let me make this point. In some evangelical/ Pentecostal churches, if a young man and a young woman love each other, and it is known by a few people, they often accuse them of having sex, especially if they were seen together outside of the church premises. Many of these churches consider dates to be an opportunity for young people to have sex. Such persons are ignorant and uninformed, and are using themselves to judge others. So, do not drop this young lady as your friend. Both of you should get to know each other well. When the time is right, if you are both convinced that you are compatible, you should get married. However, don’t rush anything in order to please your pastor or others in the church.

Pastor