Secret lover cheated on me

Dear Pastor,

I must say I enjoy reading your articles over the years, but never in a million years did I think I would be writing to you.

I’m a 26-year-old woman who lives at home with my mom and two other siblings. My siblings and I work, s0 we are able to finance ourselves individually, but we work as a team to get things done. I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost a year now, which has now come to a standstill. Pastor, this young man is currently attending university and doing everything on his own, which I understand and compromise with, which most people are not willing to do. We were true friends before we decided took our relationship to the next level last summer. He has been through a lot in past relationships, but he wasn’t a saint, either. However, I was able to look past it all, plus he treated me well, not speaking from a financial point of view, but by just being himself and human.

Now, everything has changed based on one mistake that he made in going to the club recently with his friends, getting drunk, and having sex with someone that he met. I thanked him for being brave enough to tell me about it. We were always big on communicating our feelings, no matter how it sounds, but when the pressure of school and life in general hits, he didn’t feel like he could have spoken to me. His excuse was, “I couldn’t bear to drag you down into my mess, because you don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault.”

I have forgiven his mistake, and respected his choice to focus on his final exams and reset his mind. But it’s killing me inside, to the point that I have anxiety attacks constantly. I can’t speak to any of our friends about it, due to us deciding on keeping our relationship private from all of them. This young man is making it seems as if I’m the one who did something wrong; I’m the one who went against all of our promises to each other. I want to know from him why he’s giving up so easily without a fight.

Pastor, not all women are the same. I knew what I was signing up for before I got into this relationship, but I wasn’t prepared to go down without a fight from both sides, knowing we were riding through thick and thin. I do love this young man, I know how to love someone and let them go, but this time it’s hard. However, with the help of God and time, I will get over him. At the same time, I still do have faith and hope for us. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear X.O.,

You are indeed deeply in love with this man. But I am not sure that you have forgiven him for his indiscretion, although you say you appreciate that he told you.

This incident has affected you deeply, so you seem to talk about it occasionally and he reacts in a negative way. What I would love to ask you is this: did you encourage this man to go to the doctor and to have himself tested? Did you get tested to ascertain whether this man had got infected with an STI and had passed it on to you? AIDS is a very terrible disease, so both of you should check yourselves out.

I will say to you, as I have said to millions, if you would like to stay together you should seek professional help. So kindly make an appointment to see a family counsellor or psychologist. If after doing so both of you decide that the relationship will not work, end it and don’t waste your time, because every day you are getting older and you cannot afford to be in a relationship that is not going anywhere.

“I can’t speak to any of our friends about it, due to us deciding on keeping our relationship private from all of them.”