Afraid to get married because of past heartbreak

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you because I see you as a father to those of us who do not know our own biological fathers.

I am 21 and I had a man who disappointed me so much that it is taking me a long time to forgive him and to trust another man. When I was 18, this man came into my life, but I did not know that he was married; he was 36. He did not tell me his real age. He said he was 25 and I believed him. One day we were eating at a restaurant and a young woman saw us and came to our table and hailed him. She asked him how his wife was and she called her name. When the woman saw my reaction, she told him goodbye and walked away. I asked him how she was asking for his wife. I could not enjoy the rest of my dinner. I refused to go into his car, so I took a taxi home. He called me and apologised for lying to me. He said if he had told me the truth, I wouldn’t have a relationship with him.

While we were talking on the phone, he admitted that he has two children with his wife. It hurt so much because he took my virginity. But I was fortunate; he did not get me pregnant. He tried to get us back together, but I did not want him back in my life. I was always truthful to this man. When I met him, I told my parents about him and I introduced him to them; they liked him. So after the incident at the restaurant, I cried all night, and the following morning my eyes were puffy and red. I told my mother what I found out about this man. She told me not to worry, God will deal with him.

This man got me to like sex, but after finding out that he was a liar, it took me two years to have sex with my present boyfriend. I tried to find out everything about him before I slept with him. It is hard to trust some of these men; this man could have told me the truth instead of lying.

I am now engaged and my fiancé and I are attending counselling sessions. Sometimes when I remember what my first boyfriend did to me, I go through bouts of depression. Please tell me how to handle this part of my life. I want to trust my fiancé, but

I cannot help remembering what the other guy did to me.

A.P.

Dear A.P.,

I am glad that you found out that your first boyfriend lied to you.

Although it hurt to hear that he was married, it was better for you to find out from his friend, so he could not deny that he had deceived you. You are now with another man; remember not to judge your fiancé by the same measure of your wicked and deceptive ex-boyfriend.

You have not said anything about whether you are attending school. I wish to encourage you to make sure that you try and get an education, because by doing so you will be able to stand on your own in the future. Every woman should be in a position to support herself in these modern days.

It is natural for you to feel depressed at times, knowing that you had a man you trusted and who took your virginity because you thought he was single. I suggest that you discuss with your fiancé about how you feel and your past relationship. Tell him that you would love to go and see a family counsellor. I am sure that would help you to overcome your depression.

I wish your fiancé and you everything that is good. Take good care of each other, and write to me again.

Pastor

Sometimes when I remember what my first boyfriend did to me, I go through bouts of depression.