Son’s drug habit causes crisis in mother’s marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, “Kyle.”
Yes, I know Kyle is a liar who steals anything not nailed down. And yes, he needs help for his drug habit — but he is still my son.
My husband told me I either tell Kyle he is not welcome in our home or our marriage is over, so I gave him back my wedding ring. I refuse to tell my son he can’t come over.
What do I do now? I don’t want to lose my husband, but I refuse to lose my son as well.
TORN IN TWO IN TULSA
DEAR TORN IN TWO: If you love your son and your husband and value your marriage, you will tell your husband you spoke hastily and ask for the ring back. Then, you will finally put your foot down and stop enabling Kyle to continue his drug habit.
Tell Kyle he is no longer welcome in the house, and will be welcome to cross your threshold only if he has completed rehab and is willing to make amends. This is called creating boundaries. It may be painful, but it is important that you find the strength and courage to do this because your son’s life may depend on it.
DEAR ABBY: Our son-in-law, “Brody,” has a very different
lifestyle than ours and the one in which we raised our daughter. I pointed it out to her while they were dating, and she was not pleased. I decided to say no more and try to accept him as best as possible, although I admit my husband has been better at it than I have.
One thing that continues to bother us is that whenever we invite them out for dinner, Brody will order the most expensive thing on the menu. He also has a couple of drinks, upgrades his salad and orders dessert. By the time he’s done, the cost of his meal is double that of everyone else’s.
Although we can afford it, we feel this is bad manners. I’m not sure if he’s trying to take advantage of us or if he just thinks he is entitled. Our daughter thinks he’s wonderful and doesn't seem to mind that he does
this. I worry that it may reflect badly on her when they are out with others. Is this acceptable? Do we grin and bear it? Or should we say something and, if so, what do we say?
PAYING DEARLY IN MONTANA
DEAR PAYING: If you bring the subject up, I can almost guarantee that what you say will not be well received. What your son-in-law is doing is “acceptable” in light of the fact that you say you can afford it. If you couldn’t, I assume those dinner invitations would be few and far between, and you would have had to explain the reason to your daughter. When they dine out with contemporaries, presumably the bill is split between the couples. If that isn’t the case, it probably wouldn’t happen twice because the other couple would likely request separate checks.