Woman now ready to start a ‘new’ life
Dear Abby: I am 55 now. Between the ages of 18 and 26, I was married four times to three different men. I was stupid. I had no direction in life and thought marriage was the answer. At 27, I went back to college, graduated and became a CPA. I married again at 34. My husband was abusive, and the marriage was rocky, to say the least. He hit me, shoved me, kicked me, drank too much, passed out in the street and was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to live with. I hung in with him for 20 years because I was desperate to make a marriage work and avoid further shame.
I finally left him last year. I feel damaged, empty and ashamed, and I don’t know how to start over at this point. I have been fighting a chronic illness for eight years, which contributes to my feelings of hopelessness.
Have you any advice about where I can turn to start a new life? Please don’t suggest counseling. I have already done that and gotten as much healing from it as possible. Now I need to know how to move forward.
— Shamed but not stupid Dear shamed: Your new life began the moment you walked out the door and left your abuser behind. I have often asked, “If marriage is the answer, what is the question?” Now that you know marriage isn’t the answer, you can begin building your new life by first forgiving yourself, and then learning to like yourself again.
There are online support groups for divorced people as well as those recovering from abusive relationships. It may be helpful to sample a few to see if you can find the support you’re looking for. I wish you luck, because you are finally on the right track.
Dear Abby: You often give advice to readers about seeking professional counseling for challenges like the death of a loved one or substance abuse. How successful is it when they have sought counseling, mainly for divorce or other serious relationship issues?
My experience is similar to those I hear about from friends who have gone to counseling with their spouse or significant other. The outcome seems to have been the same as tossing a coin: Heads it worked, tails it didn’t.
After decades of reading your column, and 10 years after trying counseling to save a marriage, I’m still ...
Skeptical in Texas Dear skeptical: When a loved one dies, some survivors become “stuck” in the grieving process and are unable move through it without professional help. In the case of substance abuse, addiction creates problems that affect all of the abuser’s relationships. This is why I often recommend 12-step groups. While the abuser may be in denial, those around him/her can find help for themselves, reassurance that they are not suffering alone and skills to help them cope.
I’m sorry counseling has not helped you to heal your marriage. With a troubled marriage, a counselor can often facilitate broader communication than couples can achieve on their own. However, like most relationships, marriages can be “saved” only when both spouses are willing to do the work to make it happen. When I advise readers to seek counseling, it’s usually because I feel they need more ongoing support than I can offer in a letter.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.