After remarriage, widow cuts ties with stepfamily
Dear Abby: Our father died nine months after his diagnosis with cancer. Within six months of his funeral, our stepmother of 20-plus years had begun a new relationship. She sold her and Dad’s home and belongings and moved across the country, leaving behind her children, stepchildren and grandchildren.
Although she promised to keep in touch with everyone, she hasn’t. She has made no effort to reach out to her stepfamily over the last year and a half, not even her grandchildren. We are perplexed, as she claimed our father was the love of her life and she dearly loved her grandchildren.
A few of us tried contacting her during the first six months after she left, but she usually responded only to texts, and then with one-word answers. We realize she has moved on, but how could she cut all ties with those she supposedly cared for? What are we missing? What is it that we don’t understand about being 60-something and widowed? We feel abandoned and betrayed. We supported her in her decisions and her remarriage (which is the last time we had any contact with her). Please advise, Abby.
— Baffled out West
Dear baffled: Since you haven’t had any meaningful contact with her since her remarriage, I suspect that her new husband has something to do with the silence. He may be controlling or discourages contact because he is threatened by the idea that she had a full life previously. It may also be that she prefers to devote her time and efforts to him and his relatives rather than dwell in the past.
I wish I had more information about her, but even without it, my advice is for you all to move on. It’s impossible to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one.
Dear Abby: I live in a duplex, and my neighbor has a cat I’ll call “Sox” that’s positive for feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV). I’m a cat lover with a kitty of my own.
To prevent the spread of infection, FIV cats are never supposed to be allowed outside, but my neighbor lets Sox come and go as he pleases. Abby, he comes to our house and uses our cat door to access our cat food and water bowl. I know Sox is at times left without food and water, so I’m reluctant to restrict his access to our food, but my cat has picked up respiratory infections because Sox contaminated the bowl. I also have to get my cat tested for FIV during his annual exams, at an added cost of $60.
My question: Would it be fair of me to request that my neighbor pay for some or all of the extra expenses associated with treatment and testing due to the FIV exposure? I have asked if she could offer Sox my brand of kibble at her house so he’ll be less interested in coming to our house unless he really needs food or water. She refused. I’m not sure if I’m asking too much, or if I should expect her to work with me to help offset the costs of her free-roaming, FIV-infected kitty.
— Feline care
Dear feline: Under the circumstances, I don’t think it’s unfair to ask your irresponsible neighbor to cooperate with you on this. However, if she wouldn’t spring for something as simple as the kibble, don’t hold your breath.
The solution to your problem is to make Sox’s access to your home impossible by securing the cat door. And if her cat is mingling with and possibly infecting other cats in the neighborhood, call Animal Control and report it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.