Getting back up

something bad happening, you think it’s just a dream and that it’s not actually happening?

That’s how I felt as I crashed into the car in front of me and the concrete divider on the Penchala Link in Damansara late last year.

We finished work early and I wanted to get home to make dinner (I had been home late every day that week), so I was speeding even though it was raining. #iwilladmitthat

I was thinking about defrosting the chicken and wondering why the same Justin Bieber song was on the loop again.

Looking up after skipping to the next song, I suddenly realised I was going too fast and the cars in front were not moving because of traffic congestion. I hit the brakes but I already knew I was going to hit something. My heart dropped and my eyes widened as I watched the front of Rocket (that’s our car’s name!) crash into the rear of a Myvi.

My first thought was “Ashraf is going to kill me” and the second was “what do I do?” I could’t really process what had happened and even tried to reverse the car. That was impossible because the front tyres had bent and the engine had totally shattered (Yes, I was really speeding. I had to defrost the chicken!)

SECOND TIME AROUND

I called our car insurance company and I was so grateful I got a really nice lady who spoke to me very calmly. She could tell that my car and I were both a wreck.

As I waited for the official tow truck (there were many others who stopped and tried to sell me “good” deals, but I declined them all as per Ashraf’s instructions). The traffic police came to check on me, the owner of the Myvi kept reassuring me that it was okay, and my mum said that everything happens for a reason.

I was still in shock as we went to the police station to make the reports. I cried when the tow truck took Rocket away (it would be months before we would see him again). I wailed on the way home because I felt like an idiot.

Safe to say I did not cook that night and just went for days after shrouded in guilt (I bust up Ashraf’s first car), remorse (I know I should not have sped) and fear (what if it happened again?)

We survived the next few months by borrowing our parents’ cars and I would feel extremely small and stupid every time someone spoke about my accident. I was so nervous when I went to pick up Rocket. I was scared to drive him again. I thought about the possibilities of getting into another accident, how careful I should be and whether I was even qualified enough to drive.

Then very randomly and out of the blue, I remembered my fall with Dazzle. How easy it was to forget about the fall once I concentrated on doing a better job riding him the second time around. I had gotten back up that day and it made such a huge difference to my confidence.

I read my said “Bismillah” and turned Rocket’s engine on. I pretended as if we had not had that accident and drove carefully all the way home. That was a good drive and we have had many safe drives since then.

I’m pleased to report that I am now a much more careful driver but I cannot listen to that Justin Bieber song ever again. My heart still sinks when Rocket gets too close to the car in front of him, but I believe that’s just post-traumatic stress disorder from the accident.

These life incidents have truly embedded in me that no matter what happens, horse falls, car accidents, career combustions, relationship wreckages, earth-shattering sickness; no tragedy should ever make me not stand back up. Life goes on and I have to be brave enough to face the next day, no matter what happens.