Dealing with toxic people in the workplace
IN my last column, I shared ideas on how you can recognise toxic people at work. My focus now is to help you deal with such unpleasant people who can, if left unchecked, make your work life quite miserable.
In both my work and entrepreneurial life, I have encountered toxic people. From the mean and fault-finding colleague, to the conniving and contrite business associate; I have had my fair share of having to manage these types.
Over the past couple of years, I have had to deal with a strangely toxic person, in a peripheral business that I am associated with. I do not have regular interactions with her anymore, but when I did, I found her quite insufferable.
While I recognised that she exhibited all the signs of a toxic person, it was only later that I found out she had a pattern of behaving in a similar way with other people, too.
I am sure you have encountered such people in your professional lives as well. You know the sort I am referring to. You have had to sit through meetings where they express negativity about everything. And, the stink of their criticism lingers long after they leave the room, threatening to get everyone down.
Where every interaction with them is about office gossip, and putting others down. You know that they are definitely scheming and being deceitful even as they speak sweetly in front of you. And all the while, you can sense that they are working against you.
Often, you feel trapped, because they occupy the same work space as you. They may be part of your work team, or report to you, or worse still, they may be your superior.
They are duplicitous and regularly disrupt your equilibrium.
How can you deal with these people?
Start by understanding that toxic people want to exert control over you. Therefore, do not allow them to occupy your head-space.
I always remind myself, and the people who hire me for leadership coaching, that you cannot control how others think or behave. At best, you can influence them. What you can do, however, is to control how you decide to respond to them.
One of my earliest mentors taught me that there is a subtle difference between a “reaction” and a “response”. Both words are similar as they imply that you take action to answer a stimuli. However, when you “react” to something, it is often emotional, instinctive and spontaneous. On the other hand, you “respond” when you are reflective. This requires you to identify and manage your emotions.
Consequently, you are able to be measured in your reply to any provocation.
Recognise that toxic people will behave badly by your standards. But you can choose to not get upset about it. It is a hard task. But it will help you take personal control back. Do not let them get under your skin.
The next thing that I do with toxic people is that I put physical distance between me and them. As complex as this may be at work, you must make the effort. Avoid being in their presence.
Disengage with them. Cut them out completely unless you must deal with them as a requirement for your work. If you are in the same project team, or if you have to have a functional relationship with them, learn to limit your interactions.
Have a pleasant disposition at all times because that should be your default setting with everyone, but restrict all exchanges with toxic people to the bare minimum. Distance will help you manage your relationship.
And finally, be very firm about boundaries.
You must draw boundaries for how much bad behaviour you are willing to tolerate from them.
When they cross that line or become abusive in their communications with you, or are noncooperative to the point where your work suffers, you must take action. Do not let it fester. Remember, a toxic person will continue to bully you if you don’t put your foot down. They draw their energy from your weakness.
An official complaint to the leadership of your organisation is a must.
Do not be personal. And, do not make it an emotional meltdown, caused by them. Focus on being concise; give examples of their inappropriate behaviour; and keep records to present evidence of their actions. Concentrate on how the organisation, as a whole, is being adversely affected.
No boss is interested in a “crybaby” but they will all be concerned about stopping anything that will obstruct and hinder their company’s bottom-line. Make it about this, and not about you!
I always remind myself, and the people who hire me for leadership coaching, that you cannot control how others think or behave. At best, you can influence them. What you can do, however, is to control how you decide to respond to them.