Dealing with time warps

MANY of us look forward t o celebrating joyous occasions such as holidays and birthdays. It’s a time to get together and trade stories, sharing even old ones that we’ve heard time and time again, yet still laugh over like it’s the first time they’re being told.

At times we might hear a snicker or two when elderly family members repeat stories or certain points. For those hearing it for the first time, it could be highly amusing. But for a person who has to live with this day in, day out, it’s no longer funny.

Taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia can take a great deal out of a person. Such caregivers need a support team and time off to be on their own. That’s not always possible but it’s necessary.

The thing about people with dementia is that you can never really know what they can remember and when. Do they remember their birthdays or significant festivities? Does it even matter to them anymore?

There are people who say that it makes no difference to them whether you celebrate their birthdays or not. The sufferer’s days meld into the other and some may not even know their age or the year at a given moment. On the other hand, some are fixated on a certain age.

CREATING HAPPY MEMORIES

Articles and blogs on the Internet regarding this topic say that most of the time, it’s not so much about a certain celebration; instead, it’s about how that person feels long after the celebration is over that counts.

Positive emotions from having a good day can linger for days for that person. Feeling loved and happy is a powerful thing.

This brings to mind the time when we celebrated my mother’s birthday; it was a few months before she passed away. At that time, mum already had a tricky memory that made her lose sense of time. Not knowing what year she was in was one thing. Not remembering her age was quite another.

There were days when she thought she was an unmarried teenager, a carefree young girl. She could not remember us, her children, because at that moment, as far as she was concerned, she wasn’t even married yet. She’d view us as her relatives from someplace else.

At first, we were shocked by this and didn’t know what to do or how to react. After discussing with her doctors, we were advised to go with the flow of whichever time zone she was in. We just had to be very aware of what was going on. Asking questions and seeing if she remembered us for who we were, helped. If she called us by different names (names we knew came from her past), then we understood what we were up against.

When mum’s birthday was around the corner, we primed her for it, telling her that we’d have a small party with the family. She loved having family around her. On the day itself, we got her a cake and presents in bright, cheerful wrappers.

But on the day, she looked lost. She asked what the fuss was all about. When we told her it was her birthday, she just blinked and said, “Oh”.

Mum was a good sport though. She may not have been clear about what was going on but she went along with it because she saw that going with the flow made everyone happy. I could see that she was confused about the party, but the merry company of her children and grandchildren more than made up for it.

KEEP IT IN THE PRESENT

When we saw her doctors for her checkups, we related this incident to them. They told us not to worry too much about it. The most important part of the get-together was that it made her happy.

For future planned events, we were told to keep in mind a few things. Some people with dementia don’t do very well in large crowds or halls with loud music and too many strangers. If you still need to take your loved one there, find a quiet corner and make plans for a quick exit if necessary. They don’t do too well with long drawn-out events either.

When families start to reminisce, they can get upset if they cannot remember the past. They become aware that their memory is no longer what it used to be. So if you detect signs of confusion or distress, switch to the current moment. Talk about what’s going on around them now rather than the way things used to be.

Tell family members in advance of your loved one’s condition. It helps save you from those awkward moments. All in all, celebrations and family get-togethers can be a boon for them. A good day with the family can be part of her treatment for the day.