How to stay positive despite the challenges
AS a caregiver, you’ll find that your situation and circumstances have changed. You’re not as free to do the things that you used to do. Your social life may become a bit more restricted as your sick loved one’s condition becomes your priority. You can’t just go off at a moment’s notice.
All may be well initially but as time goes by, you can feel bogged down and even resentful that your life is no longer what it used to be. Worse still would be when your closest friends don’t understand what you’re going through. As you continue to decline their invitations, they stop asking you out or including you in their plans. You feel isolated and left out.
It’s not that you don’t want to join in but sometimes you’re just too tired and sad. When you do join them, it can be quite an effort to muster up the energy for it. You find that your mind is preoccupied and you can’t immerse yourself in the moment. Slowly, you begin to withdraw from your social circle and become less sociable.
This isolation is often not intentional but circumstantial. Sadly, the longer you leave it, the worse it can become. It’s not as though you don’t want to share with people what you’re going through. Sometimes you just can’t find the right words to tell your story for fear that it may all come out wrong.
Your emotions get all muddled up. In addition to feeling tired and overwhelmed, you also feel guilty and disloyal for talking about the condition of your ailing loved one. It would be too revealing and raw. You feel guilty for enjoying an outing or having a good laugh. You feel guilty for taking time off from your “duty”.
You, as the caregiver, really shouldn’t feel this way but guilt is something that comes with the territory. Sometimes you feel that you haven’t done enough or could have done better. You wish there were more hours in a day. “If only...” is a phrase that repeats itself in the mind of caregivers, who often tend to be their own harshest critic.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT, ACCEPTANCE AND RELEASE
For the longest time I thought this was a process that I had to work out. I didn’t realise until much later that to process the loss of freedom that I once had is similar to a grieving process. It’s a mourning of sorts. It must be acknowledged, accepted and released.
Wishing that all these feelings would just disappear doesn’t work. You need to talk to someone about the way you feel, especially with your significant other. Your burden of guilt and unhappiness is actually palpable to those around you.
You may not realise this but people around you could be affected by your moods. Think of your nearest and dearest. Even your pets can feel it.
If you’re in a situation where you’re caring for your ailing parents and also have to juggle family and work, you’d need to come to terms with your situation and make certain decisions as soon as you realise the dynamics around you have shifted. Learning to say “no” to things that could easily be handled by others is a good place to start.
Another way to tackle this is to feel happy for others when you can’t be with them. For example, you’re on hospital duty for your mum or dad that you can’t get out of. Your spouse would like to take the children out for movies and dinner, or even to a concert.
Instead of sulking and making your family feel guilty for your absence, you actually have a choice in the outcome.
You could either be envious and resentful, or you could be happy for the other person. Always choose the latter. By imagining their happiness, you could be happy too. By encouraging them to talk about the fun they had makes you feel like you were there too.
CHOOSE HAPPINESS
Seeing their happiness could bring you joy too, especially when you know they’ve had a good time without having to feel guilty because you weren’t there. Choose happiness for yourself and for others. When you get time off, don’t feel guilty if you’re actually enjoying it. Or if you could laugh again after losing someone you dearly love. It doesn’t reflect the depth of your love, or the lack of, for that person.
You need to do things to uplift your spirit and continue to be positive. You need to connect with others who understand what you’re going through, which in turn could uplift your spirit and recharge your energy towards your commitments. This would certainly benefit both you and the loved one in your care.
You’d be surprised how much lighter the burden feels when your perspective changes. Only then can you help yourself and bring some semblance of “normal” back into your life. Remember this: Caring for yourself is part of being a good caregiver for another.