WHY TRACTION CONTROL SHOULD BE BANNED
HOW do we measure success? For many people, a big watch, fat cigar, fat fingers, slim wife, thinframe glasses and (this I really don’t understand) male clutch bag should let the world know that you are successful.
For this crowd, the thing that completes the picture is a fancy car, like the Mercedes-Benz AMG McLaren F1 SLR Twin-Turbo 12G-Tronic 6-Matic R-Type Evo-Carrera Super-Volante, offering a very long bonnet and even longer name.
Cars like these come with all the technology that the manufacturers can get their hands on, though not all of these tech improve the breed, but they do help increase the girth of the owner’s manual and lengthen the spec sheet. Length and size are a big thing in this crowd.
Did you read the story about the billionaire diamond dealer who died while on the operating table? He had a heart attack while the doctor was enhancing his member. Really, size does matter for them.
In the end, we have really expensive sports cars that weigh half as much as Queen Mary because manufacturers know that a lot of their buyers are men who are not wearing their natural hair colour, like shiny shirts and want their cars topless.
Cabriolet versions of sports cars don’t really improve the breed and are usually a waste of resources. After all, these cars are going to be driven slowly to clubs and parties and all they ever need is a two-litre, four-cylinder unit under the hood, not some fantastic V8 or V12.
Even the Jaguar E-Type Cabriolet is a waste of a perfectly good chassis.
There should be a law that makes sure cabriolets should be made out of sedan-based coupes and nothing else.
Sedan-based coupes are basically designed to appeal to the same crowd, so it’s perfectly okay to further butcher it into a cabriolet and give it a nauticalthemed white and blue leather interior.
The only reason a cabriolet version of a supercar should be allowed is if it is made super pure, with no electronic driver aids, in which case they become true drivers’ cars.
Imagine a car like the Dodge Viper, which is the last of the breed of cars with huge engines and no traction control.
In the 1980s, Ferraris were still selling their cars without traction control, and even in the 1990s, they begrudgingly fit them so that they could sell their wares to stockbrokers and Wall Street-types, and this is where we went wrong.
These Wall Street stockbrokers make money by betting on stocks, while the actual hard work is being done on the sales floor or the manufacturing
line. They like cars with traction control because it helps them continue with the charade that they are important and skilled people.
Just as they have no real skills beyond betting on stocks, these people usually do not have any real driving skills that should qualify them to operate powerful and potentially dangerous sports cars.
The traction control system is a way for them to drive fast while relying on the expertise of others, this time in the form of electronic driver aids.
We see a lot of movies about kindhearted teachers, architects, scientists, farmers and even drug dealers, but no kind Wall Street stockbroker or banker.
So I say we bring back the Dodge Viper, Ferrari Daytona, AC Cobra, Jensen Interceptor and every car that can kill you if you just look at the throttle wrong so we get to systematically cleanse the human gene pool.
Either that or we stop these people from buying these cars until they have learnt the value of acquiring a skill. At least that way they can take the first step towards reform.
I believe there is good in everyone, even these stockbrokers and bankers.