Still seeing red over notice of dismissal

QUESTION: I was laid off almost three years ago, after 20 years with the company. I had been a solid performer, working on interesting, challenging things. Then I took a month off in the autumn to be with my dad when he died. Since I wasn’t around when new work was doled out at the beginning of the fiscal year, I was overlooked. When prior-year funding ran out and cuts had to be made because of sequestration, I got lopped off because I didn’t have enough funded work. I looked for work for a few months, but had to give it up to be a caregiver for my mom until she passed away 18 months later.

I have a job now pushing paper in a related industry I am passionate about. It isn’t bad, but I miss being in the thick of things. I try to make it fun and challenging and to learn as much as I can. After my first year, I was accepted into a mentoring programme that will help me investigate other career opportunities. However, I am still angry and resentful over the layoff.

I am often put in a position where I have to work with former co-workers, including the manager who laid me off. When this happens, or when I update my LinkedIn profile, I’m reminded of that loss, and the anger and resentment flare up again.

What can I do to get over being laid off? I just want to heal the wound instead of feeling like the Band-Aid is constantly being ripped off.

Answer: I can see why you’re angry. Despite 20 years of hard work, no one had your back when your cost-effectiveness slipped for reasons out of your control. You’ve lost seniority, status and the motivation of an intrinsically challenging job. You’re doing all you can to recover and regain that lost ground.

But I have to wonder how much time you’ve devoted to recovering from the two other huge losses you mention almost in passing.

Losing a job and losing a parent are both incredibly stressful life events. By my count, you weathered a triple whammy in just two years, with a scant year to recover. This is well outside my wheelhouse, but it wouldn’t surprise me if your persistent anger is being fuelled in part by grief or other, more complicated feelings about the time and care you devoted to your parents during that time frame.

So while I can suggest more Band-Aids to slap on - get a new LinkedIn headshot, remember what you disliked about the old job, seek opportunities further afield - I’d urge you to spend more time directly examining your multiple wounds with a qualified professional. Some hurts you can patch over and tough out; others can’t heal properly until they’ve been allowed to bleed.