Tough choices about elder care
I AM thankful to many readers’ responses pertaining to my last week’s article on ageing population.
Gosh! I am really taken aback by the problems within the family when the aged related problems creep into it.
Having considered some of the common complaints, today’s write up is about those nagging issues of sending their loved ones to the nursing home or locally known as the old folks home.
An aging parent’s declining health can be difficult to cope with as the roles of parent and child are suddenly reversed. Though there are elderly persons who are in good health and active members of their communities, majority are the ones whose physical and mental functions are on the downtrend.
Since they are not able to get along on their own, most of the elderly persons require attention and care from their
loved ones as well as friends if not from the charitable organizations.
In our Malaysian society, we still respect the values that entail filial piety, righteousness, loyalty and contingency along with other virtues like honesty, kindness, forgiveness, sense of right and wrong, modesty, respectfulness and so on.
This is indeed the right things to do as your parents’ child. These values give us a context and a frame to sailings through the world that we live in.
Hence it is natural that we want to ensure that our elderly parents will be comfortable and well cared for, but realistically speaking, the demands of acting as the primary caregiver may be too overwhelming.
By the same token, the thought of placing a beloved parent in a nursing home likely inspires feelings of guilt.
We may engage a trained care person to take care of our parents at home. That means we are facing the high cost of engaging an experienced care person of approximately RM 2500 per month.
I can appreciate the charging rate as caring for the elderly is no easy feat when we weigh in the problems that she faces in “making sure medication is taken, ensuring proper diet, bringing them out for exercise, helping them to clear their bowels, carrying them on and off the bed or wheelchair, dealing with their tantrums especially, etc.
And then there is the mental health issue to factor in.
It is a highly stressful job in the first place and one has to really have the passion in order to stay long in this line of duty.
Elderly with more complex problems that require the care of professionals with very specific skill-sets also increases the remuneration package of the private nurse in question.
The question of dollars and cents are in the playing on the daily basis. Contrary to those who are obediently busy to provide the proper care for their parents, there are those who just don’t bother about their elderly at home such as their father and mother.
So what shall we do? We can’t just leave the elderly at home unattended, because accidents do happen and we don’t want that to happen as they are our family and not because it is burdensome to clear up the mess.
We are living in this fast-paced society whereby many of us have no time to stay at home and render the care that our parents need.
Yet at the same time, there is no way one can afford the cutthroat price of hiring a private or homestay nurse in this day and age.
One has to be in the high income earners in order to be able to acquire the services of these nurses. Either that or you have many siblings who are willing to contribute.
Personally I have seen one too many siblings just ignore their parents’ plight as if they were born from other planets.
That being the case , is it unethical to send one’s parents to a nursing home or in more ghoulish terms; an old folks home when they are deemed unable to contribute, or are labeled a ‘liability’ to the household on grounds of being financially tied? I know some of us believe that it is just downright inhumane and morally disgusting.
But you can’t just dismiss it totally like black and white.
While it is certainly not the best practice to send one’s parent(s) to a nursing home but if one can’t afford the exorbitant cost of a private nurse, then nursing home can be a viable option. But before making a decision on this matter, here are some pros and cons to consider; The Advantages: *24/7 Medical Attention: Majority of nursing homes are staffed with doctors and nurses who are on call 24/7. This is a big advantage if you have a parent with a medical condition that needs constant monitoring.
Caring for an elderly parent who is ailing requires a lot of time and effort. If you or your family members cannot do this because of work and other responsibilities, it would be best to let medical professionals handle it.
*Being With Peers: The elderly value their social lives and prefer to be around people their age. Most nursing homes keep their residents on a busy schedule, with recreational and interactive activities that foster their sense of community.
*Safety: Accidents in the home or break-in are just a couple of safety concerns for aging parents. Nursing homes have been outfitted to house the elderly and provide them with comfort as well as security. They have access ramps, hospital beds as well as medical supplies and equipment such as oxygen tanks and crash carts. Of course, there are also security guards and watchers on duty to maintain the safety and security of the facility.
*Splitting Burden: Things become harder when you have siblings. Who will take the responsibility? Every sibling of yours might be eager to in the beginning, but reasons best known to them, their eagerness will not last longer. The decision will become tougher with each passing day.
Each of you would neither reject to take responsibility nor accept it because of above reasons. So, a very wise decision is to send them to a nursing home. In this way, the relation mong your siblings will not break. The Disadvantages: *Cost: Standard-compliant medical facilities and trained personnel come at a cost, and this is why most nursing homes charge their residents steep fees. In a perfect world, your parents would have saved for their retirement, but if this is something you and other family members would be paying for, the cost can burn deep holes in your pockets.
*It’s not Family: Nursing homes do focus on building community spirit among its residents. However, for elderly persons, they’re still not family. Aging parents who are bed-ridden or suffering from dementia often want to be looked after by their own kith and kin. While family visits are welcome in all nursing homes, driving out on a weekend can take its toll on ordinary workers. The lack of family presence often leaves the elderly lonely and depressed.
*Nursing Home Horror Stories: One disadvantage of leaving your parents in budget nursing homes is the lack of trained personnel to watch over the residents. Unlike the big nursing homes where they are treated like hotel guests or hospital patients, there are other facilities that are sadly lacking in upkeep and manpower.
Some of these institutions for the elderly have become moneymaking ventures that reducing their emphasis on the needs of the elderly. Poor hygiene and lack of trained medical personnel and quality treatment as well as poor feeding programs are some of the problems the elderly face in these nursing homes.
So is it right to send your parents to the old folks home? Knowing you did everything possible before moving your mum or dad into an aged care home will make you feel more comfortable about taking this action if this ever becomes necessary. Whether it is ethically wrong to send one’s parent(s) to a nursing home really depends on our motive and intent behind the proposed move.
It’s like how we view the home, is it a nursing home where they can receive the well-deserved and much-needed care that they should have as they celebrate their golden years, or do we view it as an old folks home - a place where we can chuck them away because they are a liability.
Let your conscience speak.