‘It was like a sad Super Bowl’: TV hosts process the Ford-Kavanaugh hearing
ON THURSDAY, late-night TV hosts had a difficult line to walk as they addressed the day’s Senate hearing with testimony from Supreme Court nominee Brett M. Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford, who alleged that he sexually assaulted her in high school.
The comedians stressed that it was gruelling to watch the hearing, which captivated the country. “It was gripping. But that doesn’t mean today was a fun day,” Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah said. “Emotionally, it was taxing. If anything, it was like a sad Super Bowl.”
Others praised Ford: “I was so inspired and humbled by Dr Ford’s testimony today,” CBS’ James Corden said. “Her bravery in the face of intimidation and abuse and bullying, I thought, was truly remarkable.” NBC’s Seth Meyers spoke highly of her “immeasurable courage.”
But their jobs require making light of the news — and they had plenty of jokes. Here were some of the topics that Noah, Corden, Meyers, CBS’ Stephen Colbert, NBC’s Jimmy Fallon and ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel covered.
— The sheer number of people who watched the hearing
Noah: “Even people on planes were watching the hearings, and it was so gripping it was the first time people were praying for a delay.”
Fallon: “Trump said he was clearing his schedule to watch on TV, then realised his schedule already said ‘Watch TV all day.’”
Kimmel: “It was something to see. People were crying in front of their televisions. You’d have thought Milo Ventimiglia got killed by a Crock-Pot.”
Corden: “A bar in Atlanta even opened hours earlier than normal so people would have a place to watch the hearing. The bar was filled with Dr Ford’s supporters, as well as three drunks pretending that they knew there was a hearing today.”
— Kavanaugh’s statement, in which he denied Ford’s allegation and called the confirmation process “a disgrace,” saying he initially “demanded a hearing for the very next day” after the accusation came out
Kimmel: “If you watch the testimony, you know he was loud, he was angry, he was tearful. I haven’t seen this much crying and yelling since the Cubs won the World Series.”
Noah: “That’s right, I demanded a hearing! You didn’t give it to me! I demanded it! Anyway, if you will put me on the court now, I’m prepared to put my emotions aside and rule fairly and soberly. I think we can all agree I know how to handle my emotions.”
— Ford’s scientific answer about why she was “100 per cent” confident in saying her attacker was Kavanaugh: “Basic memory functions. And also just the level of norepinephrine and epinephrine in the brain that sort of, as you know, encodes — that neurotransmitter encodes memories into the hippocampus.”
Colbert: “Dr. Ford just dropped some knowledge and spit some neuroscience! Dr. F just encoded a fresh-a** memory all up in their hippocampus! That’s a hot shot of epinephrine, son!”
Noah: “Oh, snap! People were asking how the lady can trust her brain. Turns out she’s a brain scientist. Those senators were probably like, ‘Oh yeah, we’re also familiar with the hippopotamus, we also know that, let’s move on.’”
Meyers: “She gave a detailed anatomy of the hippocampus and the memory centres in the brain to a roomful of guys who look like they eat brains.”
— Kavanaugh’s claim that this is all a “calculated and orchestrated political hit, fuelled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election ... revenge on behalf of the Clintons.”
Meyers: “Republicans always act like they’re in a slasher film and the killer around every corner is Hillary Clinton.”
Colbert: “In conclusion, I’ll be a non-biased and impartial judge; just an umpire calling balls and strikes secretly thrown by George Soros and Hillary Clinton.”
— Kavanaugh’s responses about his drinking habits (“Yes, we drank beer. My friends and I, the boys and girls, yes, we drank beer. I like beer, still like beer, sometimes probably had too many beers and sometimes other people had too many beers.”) and that “too many beers” is whatever the bloodalcohol chart says
Colbert: “I have partied with Spuds MacKenzie. I have partied with the Budweiser frogs. I have ridden on that Silver Bullet train. Any beer companies out there looking for a spokesman, you know how to find me.”
Noah: “You know, the chart we all have at parties when we’re drinking . ... ‘You ready, dude? You want to shotgun another beer?’ ‘I would, buddy, but the chart says we’ve reached our legal bloodalcohol limit.’”
— On Fox News, Chris Wallace said that Ford’s testimony was a “disaster for the Republicans”
Colbert: “Although to be fair, their last disaster is president now.”
Meyers: “You know it’s bad when Fox News calls it a disaster. Fox News will say anything to make Republicans feel better. If the Hindenburg had been built by Republicans, the Fox News headline would have been this.” (Graphic reads “Republicans are on fire!”)
— Sen. Lindsey O. Graham’s, Republican-South Carolina, anger toward the Democrats: “When you see (Sonia) Sotomayor and (Elena) Kagan tell them Lindsey said hello, because I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy. This is the most unethical sham since I have been in politics.”
Noah: “Really, Lindsey? The most unethical sham that you’ve ever seen in politics? Uh, phone call coming in. Merrick Garland says hi.”
Kimmel: “He warned Democrats that if this is the new normal, if this is the way it’s going to go, they better watch out for their Supreme Court nominees. As if Merrick Garland isn’t out there somewhere judging a dog show right now.”