After years as a single parent, how do you let in someone new?

THE MORNING after sleeping with a man I know isn’t good for me, I feel exhausted and achy. My seven-year-old is due back from her dad’s any minute. My small apartment is just as disorganised as the rest of my life.

My ex drops my daughter off and she’s hungry. I haven’t done the grocery shopping. She starts to yell at me: Why can’t I go shopping when she’s at Dad’s? She’s wailing. My phone beeps. It’s my ex. He sends a few nasty comments. Just another Saturday as a single mom, and all I can think is: There is no way any man would want to be part of this.

When I convinced myself that I’d never re-partner, it was a form of protection. I was less likely to get it wrong again, I figured, if I stayed single.

According to the American Psychological Association, about 40 to 50 per cent of couples divorce, leading to 23 per cent of households led by single mothers, as opposed to four per cent single fathers.

I was single for seven years after splitting from my husband, and during that time the thought of living with anyone again made me cringe.

After a messy divorce, coparenting can be yet another nightmare.

For years, I couldn’t even fall asleep with a man beside me. I just couldn’t relax. I was in constant defence mode. Add to this the stress of being primary breadwinner and the household chores, and I was constantly operating at overcapacity. The thought of introducing my child to a potential man, only for it to not work out and break my child’s already-bruised heart, was too much to bear. Studies have shown that children of divorced parents who experience yet another divorce or family transition have an even steeper decline in their psychological well-being.

After I had gone through the process of healing from my divorce and developing a healthier view of myself through therapy, I did meet someone I could not only fall asleep beside but also felt comfortable introducing to my daughter. It was unexpected and delightful. But my boyfriend and I were constantly toggling between feeling connected and disconnected. When my daughter was at her dad’s, I would feel very close to my boyfriend in a dreamy, first-love way, only to transition to a state of anger and annoyance at him being in my space once my daughter was back. During my moments of disconnection I would cringe at his touch, pick fights and found it hard to talk about my feelings. It was exhausting.

Naturally science looks to my hormones for answers. Researchers have found that when their children are nearby mothers’ brains release more oxytocin, the bonding hormone, triggering their tendency to want to protect their offspring. Neha Mahajan, a clinical psychologist, says that when a child returns, many single parents will put attending to their child above their own personal satisfaction.

“It’s almost a clash between womanhood and motherhood, so you get into a fight-orflight mode,” Mahajan says. — Washington Post.