I didn’t understand male privilege until I became a stay-at-home dad
If you believe in gender equality, it is not hard to understand why it is problematic to place one gender on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum, while the other bears the bulk of the child care.
WHEN my wife returned to work after parental leave, I took my first trip to the grocery with two kids, not knowing I would return home feeling like a hero. On a Monday morning, I pushed the green cart with flame decals through the second set of sliding doors and toward the deli. My three-year- old son was strapped in the seat and my three-monthold son was wrapped against my chest. As a stay-a-home father, strolling through the grocery, I felt conflicting emotions - love for caring for my sons and frustration with being an unemployed 37-year- old dad.
At the deli, I exchanged pleasantries with a young woman behind the counter and ordered a pound of sliced turkey breast. I was immediately surrounded by a group of female employees. They leaned close to admire my infant son as he raised his bald head from the green cloth wrap.
“I never could get mine to like the wrap,” one said.
“I bet ya’ll have so much fun together,” another said.
“You are the best dad ever,” said another.
I swelled with pride. Maybe they are right, maybe I am the best dad ever. I soaked in the praise before tossing my sliced turkey into the cart and heading toward the produce. As I strolled, more comments came from fellow shoppers and I absorbed them, giving little thought to the reason I merited heightened attention.
“Nice baby wearing,” a young woman said.
“That is one way to keep ‘em warm,” said an elderly woman.
“Man, you are taking this dad thing to the next level,” said a bag boy at checkout.
The series of verbal highfives inflated my ego and, after receiving the receipt from the cashier, I smiled and pushed our flaming green cart through the sliding doors like a rock star walking offstage. I had no clue I was benefiting from male privilege. I enjoy the attention I receive as a stay-at-home dad; it is nice to have impressed eyes turned on me.
The pedestal effect refers to when men receive undeserved praise, attention and rewards for performing work traditionally done by women, such as carrying a baby in a wrap. At the grocery store, I willingly stepped on the pedestal and used my privilege to gain attention for doing basic child care. And as I reflected on Peretz’s words other pedestal moments flashed in my mind. This realisation was not something I could ignore. If you believe in gender equality, it is not hard to understand why it is problematic to place one gender on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum, while the other bears the bulk of the child care. Not only is it unfair, but it also does not serve the best interests of families, and can place stress on them when parenting roles are unbalanced. For men who value gender equality and healthy families, assisting in lowering the pedestal is imperative. Peretz recommends using resources such as privilege checklists to identify your advantages. These resources can help us move unconscious thoughts and behaviours into the light of awareness. Ideally, this work will lead to interpersonal change. Men can make the effort to closely listen to women to understand how they perceive male privilege. And, most importantly, we need to believe them. Maybe you remain sceptical that a pedestal effect exists for fathers. Ask a mother if she believes fathers benefit from undeserved praise. Her answer might surprise you. Men get attention and praise for doing work women do every day.
Raising awareness and listening are important steps, but I also wanted to know how to best respond when given undeserved attention. Peretz recommends reacting “with humility and a sense of humour, while bringing attention and awareness back to the work women have been doing for a long time.” — Washington Post.