Helping sons not to become monstrous men
I H AVE n ever h ad a jo b w here the m ood w asn’t s et b y t he temperament of men.
I’ve witnessed men chuck pens, wadded p aper, whatever wa s i n their hands, at a wall or down a hallway t he s econd f rustration struck. O nce, w hen a sked a question, a m an sl ammed h is hands on his desk, pointed to his female colleagues, and yelled, “If it’s easy, ask them.” When men would do this in front of me or to me, I would often give them a look of “Now, n ow, t his i s a b it much.” I have lived t oo l ong t o cower. And yet it was never my place to fight back or escalate. It was my job, much like the job of every other woman in the office, to w ithstand t he r age of m en, quell i t even. We were p acifiers in pencil skirts.
It’s be haviour t hat I a m reminded of n ow that my son is in hi s te rrible t wos. W henever he wants something he believes he is entitled to but cannot have, he g ets f rustrated a nd le ts out an ea r-piercing w hine-wail. Being only a to ddler, he has an extremely l imited v ocabulary, which i s a t least h alf the c ause of his frustration, not to mention he has n o u nderstanding o f restraint or ch ill, nor do es he know h ow to e xpress sa dness and disa ppointment p roperly. ( Notably, a ge a ppropriate a nd just like girls his age.)
I am helping my son to use his words. I am encouraging him to tell me what he is upset about. I don’t want him to turn into these men who raise voices at women. Or m en w ho, w hether t hey realise it, create an intimidating environment where women don’t feel comfortable to express their ideas, l et a lone f eel v alued to be co nsidered f or a p romotion. I want my son to be part of a sea t ide of ch ange, s o t his n ext generation of m en a ren’t t he angry, co ntemptuous m onsters that women like me have had to endure.
I d o t his b ecause I k now t his behaviour isn’t born in an office petri dish. It’s learned at a very young age. According to gender researcher Ch ristia B rown, author o f “Parenting B eyond Pink an d B lue,” r esearch h as shown t here is li ttle emotional difference be tween i nfant bo ys and gir ls. B oth h ave th e s ame capacity f or s adness, b oth c ry the s ame amount a s b abies a nd toddlers. W hat d oes c hange as ki ds rea ch p reschool ag e i s how th ose ar ound th em r eact to their crying or frustration. Tears suddenly become a sign of weakness, demarcated for girls, while boys are discouraged from showing v ulnerability a t a ll. Boys, however, are allowed to get mad - and get aggressive.
“Boys a re t aught v ery ea rly on that aggression is acceptable: Girls a re g iven ba by d olls a nd taught t o b e n urturing an d compassionate, w hile b oys a re given a ction fig ures w ith g uns in their hands,” Brown says. “All toys a re educational, a nd t hese toys educate children about what is acceptable behaviour.”
Then there is what we reinforce as pa rents, o ften subconsciously, w ith ou r language and preconceptions of gender. “Even those little threeyearold b oys, w e t ell th em, ‘ Man u p,’ ‘ M en i n t his f amily don’t cr y,’ ‘Su ck i t u p,’ ‘Sto p acting like a little g irl’ because we’re not supposed to have those emotions, we’re not supposed to be f earful, w e’re n ot su pposed to be h urt a nd sa d,” sa ys T ed Bunch, t he ch ief de velopment officer a t A C all to M en, a n educational and advocacy group. “We’re supposed to move on, pull ourselves up by t he b ootstraps, and keep it moving as men.”
How w e e xpress a nger i s a p roduct o fs ocialisation, not D NA, sa ys B unch. T his continues into adolescence - the teenage b oy pu nching wa lls isn’t doing so simply because of raging h ormones, b ut bec ause rage i s ho w he h as le arned t o handle s tress. “We r eally don ’t prepare o ur ch ildren t o de al with stress in a real productive way, o ther th an thr ough aggression, es pecially o ur boys,” says Bunch. “Aggression solves everything. And the more aggressive person wins - you see that in the political arena or the boxing ring.”
Women b ecome interchangeable w ith th e w all because boys l earn bo th subtly and o vertly to t reat g irls l ike objects, th ings o f l ess v alue. There’s t he c oach w ho t ells a male player he kicks like a girl, t he u ncle t hat t eases h is first- grade n ephew ab out h is girlfriend, as if girls can only be romantic conquests, not s imply friends o r e quals. A fri end recently told me that his 5-yearold d aughter wa s pu nched i n the fa ce b y a b oy i n h er cl ass. When my friend talked to a school a dministrator a bout t he incident, the administrator said, “Well, she did provoke it,” which is the kindergarten equivalent of “she was asking for it.”
This at titude t hat wo men are there to absorb the p ent-up frustrations of men begins in the home a nd t he s chool s tairwell, but it doesn’t end there. It follows both g enders in to p eer g roups, into r elationships, in to th e workplace. Just as men are told to suck up their pain, women are told to suck up the expression of men’s pain.
There w as a r unning jo ke at m y fo rmer wo rkplace t hat you could a lways find a w oman crying on the sofa in the ladies’ room. Some man had barked at her for p ointing out a n e rror, another had her ideas stolen by a male colleague; a ll of u s were so used it, we’d offer tissues and hugs, then go back to our desks, and do it all over again.
The go od ne ws i s t here a re ways we, a s parents, c an d ivert from th e w ell-worn p ath o f gender nor ms t hat le ads t o misogyny. Since anger is often an expression of frustration, Brown says, we should give kids a good vocabulary to a rticulate w hat they ar e f rustrated a bout. W e can ask them if they are feeling sad or hurt or disappointed. We can tell them that it’s okay to be afraid. We can also teach them to deal with their frustration in the same way it’s healthy for adults to d istress a nd p rocess t heir emotions: T alk it out , e xercise, breathe, d o calm ing e xercises, write it d own. B unch s aid it i s especially important for fathers and other male figures to foster this safe space for boys by showing them that vulnerability is not shameful.
We s hould a lso b e mor e conscientious ab out t aking gender o ut of e veryday conversations and activities that aren’t n ecessary. B rown s ays this m eans in stead o f s aying, “What a smart boy you are,” say, “What a sm art kid.” “A kid will think, ‘ If a dults ar e c onstantly labelling m y g ender an d th e gender of e veryone a round me - put me i n cl othes a nd buy me toys that are colour- coded for my gender - t hen m y gen der m ust be e xtremely im portant an d I better pay attention to the ways in w hich m y gen der m atters,’” she says.
As p rogressive a pa rent as I t hink I a m, I h ave to w atch myself too. I can’t tell my son to “stop c rying” j ust b ecause m y patience h as w orn th in a t th e end of a l ong day. Same goes for calling h im a “good l ittle b ig man” because he has learned to put his socks on a ll by himself. I h ave t o ke ep r eminding h im to “smell t he fl owers” - a d eep breath in to h is im aginary bouquet, followed by a big exhale - so he has a way to calm himself down w hen he h as w orked himself u p. T hese a re li ttle steps. But they’re for a p urpose that’s just as much about him as it is about me. Week after week, as I w atch h igh-powered m en get exposed for assaulting their female colleagues, I am forced to re- evaluate how much I, too, have probably lost out on in my career because men s aw me a s e ither compliant eye candy or a mother to soothe their temper tantrums. It is probably too late for me to make up the professional ground that I h ave lost. But I st ill have room to t ake c ontrol o f w hat little I can through my son. And at l east t his t ime, i t’s f or a jo b that’s m uch mor e w orthwhile. — WP-Bloomberg
I am helping my son to use his words. I am encouraging him to tell me what he is upset about. I don’t want him to turn into these men who raise voices at women. Or men who, whether they realise it, create an intimidating environment where women don’t feel comfortable to express their ideas, let alone feel valued to be considered for a promotion. I want my son to be part of a sea tide of change, so this next generation of men aren’t the angry, contemptuous monsters that women like me have had to endure. Jessica Machado, writer