Little mean girls – helping your daughter swim in choppy social waters
IT HIT us in fourth grade.
The girls in my daughter’s class began to divide themselves into groups. Reports of comments that someone was “fat” or not “cool enough” directed at girls I’d known since they were five became prime topics of discussions at home. I heard cruel insults about my child, because her loyal friends told her about them.
I figured my daughter would eventually stumble into mean- girl territory, and that subversive manipulation, social rejection and alliance-building would leave her occasionally on the curb. But not until middle school, at the earliest. Right? Wrong. “The mean- girl thing is happening much sooner than everyone realises,” our elementary school counsellor told me when I called to talk it through. “I see it all the time.”
Bullying - or peer victimisation - is “associated with depression and anxiety and social withdrawal and low self- esteem and academic problems,” says Catherine Bagwell, a professor of psychology who studies children’s social development at Oxford College of Emory University.
According to Katie Hurley, author of “No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls,” research shows that severe bullying in childhood puts adolescents at a higher risk of mental-health issues, including suicidal thoughts and behaviours, debilitating depressive symptoms and anxiety. And one survey in Oregon of nearly 12,000 kids in grades three through eight revealed that 41 to 48 per cent of girls reported experiencing what is called “relational aggression” in a month. About four to six per cent experienced it daily.
The most common ways girls ages eight to 12 bully is by mocking, teasing and calling people names, says Cosette Taillac, a child and adolescent therapist and the national strategic leader for mental health and wellness at Kaiser Permanente.
“Girls at this age are extremely conscious about how they look in relationship to others,” Taillac says. “Any way they look ‘different’ is a potential target. This goes beyond weight - it can also be about being taller or shorter, skin colour, or even about things like having freckles or pimples.” A girl can also be targeted because of her name, ethnic or religious background, or the way she dresses or speaks, Taillac says.
It’s important to jump on this problem immediately, but parents don’t always know that their child is on the receiving end of a bully’s stick.
“Many of these behaviours, such as spreading rumours, saying mean and nasty things . . . verbally or online, are discrete and hard to detect,” says Meline Kevorkian, a dean at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
It also may be difficult for a girl to tell she’s being targeted because people frequently say “just joking” after bullying, says Taillac, as “a way of avoiding responsibility, blaming others and demeaning the reaction if the victim is starting to show she’s upset or if others seem disapproving.”
This rang true. My daughter said that there were many such “jokes” in the class. But what if your daughter isn’t talking about specifics, yet you suspect something is wrong?
Frequent vague complaints of stomach aches, feeling sick and headaches are signs that a child is being targeted, according to Samira Armin, a paediatrician at Texas Children’s Hospital in Texas. Other warning signs include unexplained injuries or loss of personal objects ( phones, clothes, books, jewellery); changes in eating and sleeping habits; loss of interest in school, declining grades or avoidance of social situations; sudden introversion or a decrease in self- esteem; and self- destructive behaviours or self-harm.
My daughter’s eyes were weary and fatigued, and she shied away from probing conversations. Too many mornings, she’d wake up hot, sweaty and in tears, and off to the doctor we went. She missed 18 days of school last year, after having near-perfect attendance when she was younger.
I felt lost, and unsure of how to help her navigate this social nightmare just as she’s learning who she is. How is she supposed to concentrate on school, swim lessons or summer camp when the gossip mill is running amok and her peers are switching their loyalties daily? And how could I keep her from becoming part of the problem?
“Listening is initially a better strategy than asking many questions since she will probably shut down with the questioning,” says Jane Timmons-Mitchell, a child psychologist at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. “If you are concerned about her behaviour, you should let her know that.”
To help her cope, first establish that although bullying happens, it can and will be fixed because you’re in it together, says Kevorkian. Also, tell her that you won’t embarrass her with the perpetrator or her friends. And assure her that reporting mean behaviour is not tattling; reporting hurtful actions is the right thing to do, including when she witnesses other kids being bullied, Kevorkian says.
Acting out possible scenarios can also help. “Teach them to be assertive. Practise not reacting to the bully so the bully doesn’t get the emotional reaction she’s seeking,” says Bagwell. Parents can also discuss how their daughter can remove herself from a bad situation. And encourage your daughter to turn to a trusted friend for support, Bagwell says. Kevorkian adds that if the bullying is online, assure your child you will not remove privileges but will put things in place to keep her safe.
But how could I find out if my kid was becoming a mean girl herself? Victims of bullying can adopt the tactics used on them and use them on others.
“Self-reflection is key, and our young girls are not often taught to look within themselves,” says Beth Rogowsky, a member of the curriculum advisory board at Kiddie Academy. She advises that parents ask their daughters: Are you intentionally excluding a person? Are you saying mean things about someone?
It’s also important for girls to understand that instead of watching bad behaviour from the sidelines, they can be part of the solution. “Activating bystanders and getting them to intervene in an appropriate way is a key to reducing bullying,” says Bagwell, who suggests asking your daughter if someone is trying to exclude people or manipulate friendships or trying to get everyone on their side or talking behind someone’s back.
Structured activities can also help. “By participating in activities such as a team sport, music groups or social clubs, your daughter will develop new abilities and social skills, and learn what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour and soon learn to surround themselves with positive influences,” says Armin.