Nine ways parents can help children cope with jealousy
A child might think, ‘I’m annoyed by that person, and I’m going to find out if others don’t like that person, too, because if they don’t, then I have a right to feel this ugly feeling. Sameer Hinduja, professor of criminology and criminal justice
I ONCE had three students who tried out for travel soccer in sixth grade. After only one made the team, the other two spread a lie, saying that the girl had made the team only because her uncle was the coach. It wasn’ t the first time in my job as a school counsel lo rt hat I’ ve seen kids engage in damaging behaviour because of jealousy.
At it score, jealousy is about insecurity, fear or a sense of competition, explains Lea Waters, a psychology professor at the University of Melbourne and author of“The Strength Switch.” “It’s a feeling of ‘I’m not enough; something is lacking.’ “
This could be physical appearance, number of Instagram followers or a feeling that“my friend doesn’ t have this annoying thing I have to deal with ,” says Adam P letter, a psychologist and founder of iParent 101. That might be an unstable home life or a learning challenge.
Thee motion has been around forever, notes Richard Weissbourd, director of the Making Caring Common project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. “The Greeks wrote about it. Shakespeare wrote about it. It’s in the Bible.”
That said, kids may struggle more today than their parents did .“They’ re receiving so many messages on a daily basis from society and peers that point out their flaws and failures,” says Sameer Hinduja, a professor of criminology and criminal justice at Florida Atlantic University and co director of the Cy ber bullying Research Center. For youth who are trying to figure out how to be OK with themselves, this take san emotional toll .” It also can lead to poor choices. As Hinduja points out, research implicates jealousy as one of the top motivators behind cyberbullying.
But there’ s no point trying to vanquish thee motion .“In some ways, when we scrub away dark feelings it actually endows them with more power ,” says Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of “Untangled.” Instead, here are nine ways parents can help their children re cog ni se and respond constructive ly to jealous feelings. 1. Share your insecurities “I tell my daughter my own stories ,” says Claire Ship man, author of “The Confidence Code for Girls .”“I’ll say ,‘ There was this woman who made me feel a little jealous because she had so much energy, but this is how I got through it, and her life doesn’t have any bearing on mine.’ “
Parents may need to pay attention to their own behaviour. “If you’ re finding that you’ re critical of people, especially when something good happens to them, that might be a sign you need to deal with your jealousy,” Weissbourd says. It’ s easier to lob insults than to acknowledge deficiencies, but that can mask the message behind the emotion.
Prompt your child to ask: “What is the feeling telling me? How can Ideal with it in a healthy way ?” Otherwise, jealousy can begin to justify resentment and aggression .“A child might think, ‘I’m annoyed by that person, and I’ m going to find out if others don’ t like that person, too, because if they don’t, then I have a right to feel this ugly feeling ,’“Hinduja says.
2. Govern behaviour, not feelings
When you tell a child that jealousy isn’ t always rational, “the relief on their face is tremendous,” Damour says. The emotion causes discomfort, but it’s hard to control. She advises parents to say ,“Okay, your first reaction may be petty, but what matters is that you conduct yourself with dignity. Don’ t point out that person’ s flaws to other people or try to make things harder for them .” You can’t legislate feelings, but draw a ha rd li ne a round be haviour, starting with siblings. Say, “I’m sure your sister makes you crazy, and you may think and feel that-but you can’ t hurt her.” 3. Highlight strengths “Children go from ‘Something is missing’ to ‘ I am enough’ when you connect them to their strengths ,” says Waters, the psychology professor .“When they do well, say, ‘ I saw you bringing in your planning ,’ or ‘You were really creative.’ “
If a child feels left out, Waters will ask them to tell her about a friendship that makes them feel good. She then calls attention to the kindness, humour or other positive traits they bring to that relationship. “If a friend doesn’t want them, help them use their strengths to connect with those who do.”
4. Combat fear of missing out (FOMO)
One teen was so afraid of missing out, she used Instagram Live to talk all night to friends having a sleepover, says Pletter ofi Parent 101. This back fired because she was trying too hard. “She was targeted in subtle ways ,” he says. The girls would go off camera, then say her name to provoke her interest. When they had her attention, they would talk about all the fun they were planning - without her.
To fight F OMO, P letter urges parents to have ongoing conversations with their children about both their online and offline social lives, and to help them stay busy doing activities they enjoy. 5. Give the jealousy a name
Come up with a funny name for the jealousy to help kids understand that it’s not who they are; it’s simply an uncomfortable but fleeting emotion .“Parents can coach a kid to say ,‘ Oh look, Jane the Jealousy is back, but I’ ve got my own strengths and can let her pass ,’“Waters explains .“The person a acts as a circuit break erin that micro moment when a child is most likely to do something that could hurt their reputation or a friendship.” 6. Look for role models “It’s a painful reality that some people have happy, loving families, and some don’ t; some have money, and some don’ t ,” Waters says.
“Address t he rea ll ack. Connect the young person to what they do have and offer role models of others who overcame a similar hardship.” This can be a celebrity or someone in their community.
“A sateen, you look at others and think ,‘ Wow, they have everything,’ but no one has the perfect life,” she says.
7. Encourage your child to be authentic with friends
“If you want the relationship to survive, it’s important to share your feelings with that person,” says Rachel Simmons, author of“Enough as She Is .” When you st rip a way t he sh ame a nd secrecy, it takes a weight off the friendship. She advises kids to say: “I really care about you, and I feel embarrassed about being so jealous. I feel like if I don’ t say something, it’s not going to be good for our friendship, so I want you to know.’ “8. Avoid comparisons Don’t make comments such as ,“Why aren’ t you more like Max ?” Even a positive comparison can back fire .“If my daughter says ,‘ Oh look, I beat Zoe in this, so that means I’m better ,’ she’s building false confidence ,” author Ship man says. “It’s like whipped cream - not very stable.”
Remind your child that everyone is unique, and they should be the best version of themselves. “That’s it,” Hinduja says .“We’ re always looking to others to give us our value and worth, to tell us we’re beautiful or successful. But once we g ive them the power to validate us, we give them the power to invalidate us.” 9. Practise elevating others When Weiss bo urdw as a coach, he encouraged kids to acknowledge the strengths of players on opposing teams. “When you get in the habit of appreciating others’ accomplishments, it leads to better, deeper relationships ,” he says .“We have to send the message that it’ s not only important tobe em pathetic when it’s easy but also when it’s hard - and it’s hard when you’re jealous.”
Urge your child to be friend their perceived competition and log acts of kindness in a journal. As they get to know someone better, they’ll see that perception doesn’t always match reality. — WP-Bloomberg